Lived Experience Forum

[CheerBear]

I'm sorry youre feeling worse each day @Lise07. It sounds like you're on a big spiral 🙁 I can relate to the self destruct taking over and how intense and exhausting it can be. In my experience when I've hit that point, I really need some kind of time out or something different happening to act as a bit of circuit breaker maybe.

So hard to not have a regular GP you can talk openly about this with. Also tough to have hoped to see a psychiatrist quickly but now have to wait until next Friday. I get how a week can feel like a month when things are hard.

Do you and/or your partner know who to call or where to go if things escalate even further between now and when you see the psychiatrist?

[Eucalypt]

Hi @Lise07 
I'm sorry that the last week or so have been so difficult for you and that you are finding it hard to feel anything. It's great that you've enlisted your partner's support to help make your home a bit safer for you and that you've got the appointment for next week. I don't think we've met on the forums before but I can see that you have a number of wellwishers and forum friends here. I'm going to send you an email shortly to check that you are able to keep yourself safe there today. Take care Lise07 

[Lise07]

Update: After spending all day yesterday teetering between "I'm not OK" and brief moments of "I should be alright" (usually when reassuring someone else and therefore feeling a dose of reality from another perspective), I eventually kind of snapped and called the CATT last night. More correctly, my girlfriend did whilst I sat huddled on the couch.

I'm currently waiting for them to come. They called this morning and said they would be here between 12-1400, but just called again to say they could only make tomorrow or tonight.

At this very moment I feel a little bit ridiculous and quite separated from my self-destructive feelings, but I'm afraid if I'm alone they'll take over on autopilot again.

[CheerBear]

Hey again @Lise07. It's awesome you were linked in with CATT if you needed to be, which it sounds like you did. I really hope you find it helpful. It's great to have something in place if you're feeling afraid.

Not sure if it's something that could help or that you'd be interested in but there's a service in Vic called PARC (Prevention and Recovery Centre). PARCs are a mental health residential service with a recovery focus/approach and are a step between home and hospital. If you're interested in finding out more you could ask CATT or Google them.

Again, hope something helpful happens for you soon ❤

[Lise07]

@CheerBear thanks for the suggestion.

My main concern now is that my knee-jerk reaction to other people's concern is "appear calm & in control". It's useful in a lot of situations, certainly, but I can't switch it off and it's prevented me from getting help in the past. At the very least I'm aware that I do this.

[CheerBear]

It sounds like you have a well practiced "im fine" face/mask happening @Lise07, which I (as I'm sure lots of us here) understand. It can make help seeking very tricky. There's a lot to be said for being aware of things like that which you/we do though.

Wonder if telling CATT about that calm and control reaction you have is something you might be able to do. I would like to think and hope they're able to see beyond the surface a bit for you.

Thinking of you.

[Doglover]

Hi @Lise07 , I am wondering how you are doing and how things went for you with the CATT service. Were they able to assist you at home or did you end up going to hospital? You may not be in a position to respond right now but I am keen to hear how you are and also interested in your experience with the CATT service. I hope u r doing ok and are safe.

Take care.

[Lise07]

@Doglover @CheerBear 

Thanks for checking in. Two of the CATT nurses came around last night and I spoke to them. I was pretty nervous at first but it went OK.

They asked me what I wanted to do at the end (continue without seeing them again and keep up psycologist/psychiatrist visits or have them check in regularly). I was a bit overwhelmed by that stage and said I didn't know. One of them on duty today said he would phone me to check in this afternoon.

Unfortunately now my hypercritical brain has latched onto the fact that they confirmed I had good protective factors (a good job that I like, supportive partner, decent financial situation, regular therapy) and has taken that as "proof" that I shouldn't be depressed. I know that was not what they meant and there was much more to the conversation, but the automatic filter is at play.

This has been a big (and futile) frustration of mine the past few weeks - I'm in the most stable and low-stress situation I've probably ever been in, and my brain has chosen now to break down. It's almost like I cope better when there's something to fix or change or get through, but when I've done all those things and should be enjoying the fruits of my labour, I can't. I'm just left with my state of mind and it feels broken. Instead of crushing me, pressure keeps me together and I fall apart once it's removed. I've never been able to just live in the present; I always have to "survive" a temporary situation. The prospect of feeling like this for the rest of my life leaves me exhausted.

Basically all the things you're not supposed to say to someone with depression ("snap out of it", "you don't have any reason to be sad", "you just need to be more positive") I say to myself. I know it's ultimately not helpful and is probably perpetuating the problem, but it's hard to switch off.

[Lise07]

Oh, and the other thing I did was take out private insurance. So maybe I can try to tell my coping mechanism of "squish everything down until it's safe to release" to just hold out for two months 

[CheerBear]

Hey @Lise07. Wondering how you have been going since you posted yesterday? Glad it went OK (ish) with CATT on Friday.

I get the protective factor thing you mentioned, and the way hearing that can kind of muddle things up a bit more. Hearing that I have really strong protective factors can kind of feel dismissive or invalidating I guess. It can cause me to then feel like those thoughts don't matter, or aren't 'real' or aren't as intense/difficult as I'm feeling they are. And it can make me feel guilty about having them and like I shouldn't have them. Tricky 😏

I can also relate to the crash that can happen from being in a stable and OK position. I think I have an awesome kind of autopilot that keeps me keeping on when I have big stress. It's my 'normal' and when it isn't there and when I've reached a place of calm, my brain is like "well now what?!". It's a change to my normal and it's so unfamiliar I can struggle to cope with it. One of my biggest and most intense crashes happened as soon as I found some hint of "OK" after a period of very not OK. It was so frustrating at the time.

It's really hard when you know the things you're saying to yourself aren't helpful but you can't stop. It's an extra layer of tricky stuff to deal with I think.

Good to hear you have private health insurance now, if you feel like that could be helpful.

Interested in hearing how the call with CATT went yesterday and the outcome of it, if you feel up to sharing.