Lived Experience Forum

[saltandpepper]

Hey Apple @Appleblossom thanks for dropping in. How have you been getting on? Yeah research is usually helpful, really the first time it's not been very helpful. I will talk to psych about what I found, see what he thinks, he might be able to kick me out of the loop I've trapped myself in there.

Yeah I mean either way the house is getting sorted, that's good. Yeah I don't honestly know why I feel like I need to drink. I logically know it doesn't help my mood and makes it too easy for me to give in to those thoughts. I really don't know. But fu*k I'd love to have one right now. But I won't. Probably try to wait til after my psych app on Friday. Maybe.

[saltandpepper]

@MDT if there's one thing I wanna do, it's get this place sorted. 

[MDT]

You can do it!
@saltandpepper

[BlueBay]

Hey @saltandpepper  are you ok? 
just bedn thinking about you xx

[saltandpepper]

Hey @BlueBay yeah just a bit seedy after a night out. Probably not far off bed here

[BlueBay]

Take care @saltandpepper  early night sounds good. Xx

[saltandpepper]

Thanks for checking in @BlueBay 

[saltandpepper]

So, went out on Friday night as some of you already know. Didn't go out with the intention of doing anything other than catching up with some old mates and getting blind drunk. Haven't been out for a night like that in years so it was really good.

A few times throughout the night my mind tried to draw me to that shitty place from the past, but I was able to recognise it and sort of mentally slap myself in the face to pull out of it. Only happened a few times, maybe 4 or 5, and managed to fight it off each time.

I ended up meeting someone, which was unexpected considering I'd put zero effort into appearance/behaviour etc. None of that seemed to phase them though. Things like that tend to happen when you just don't even try--weird.

So it was good, and for a while there things went smoothly. Well without going into detail, things actually went very well. Until I couldn't control where my mind went. I can push memories like that aside if I try incredibly hard, but my body still responds like it's under threat. I can't control that physical side of it. Needless to say, I managed to fu*k things up there. And it was all going so well.

I really wish there was a switch in my brain so I could just erase that shit, even just for one night, even just for an hour. It was oddly easier being with a stranger than it was with my ex. I guess maybe because they don't know my history like my ex does. Took some of the pressure off I guess? As drunk as I was, my stupid fu*king brain still went there. Fu*king self sabotaging mind.

When I'm alone, my mind goes to shitty places. When I'm intimate with someone, my mind goes to shitty places. I just wish I could catch a break. I wish this shit wasn't still swirling through my head all the time. I just wish I could have not gone there and enjoyed myself for one night. It's always such a battle trying to control where my thoughts go. I hate that my brain associates sex with trauma. I really fu*king hate it. I just want to be with someone and enjoy it, start to finish. No controlling where my thoughts go, no flashbacks, no fear, just being there in that moment and enjoying the fu*k out of it all.

Last night was not kind to me. Nightmares, waking up this morning dripping in sweat. Frustrating. Exhausting. I wish it were easier. I wonder what it's like for other people, having sex and not needing to focus on the moment so bloody hard because if I lose control for one second that's it. Game over. Kicking myself for losing my shit on Friday. I mean at least I made it as far as I did I guess, and I'll never see them again so, you know, there's that. Maybe next time will be different? I wish.

Just wish, just for once, I could be normal. Feel like shit right now. Nightmares always make it so much worse. Just want to punch myself in the head and make it all go away. So frustrated with it all. Ugh. Sorry for the long ramble this morning. Just angry with myself, angry at the past, angry with the mother fu*kers who screwed me up.

@BlueBay @MDT @TAB @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @Snowie @Clawde 

[Snowie]

Hi @saltandpepper 

Firstly, well done for going out with friends. I think that takes a lot of courage to do in the first place so give yourself a pat on the back for that!

I don't think it matters where we are or how much we drink, our mental illness is close to the surface and doesn't seem to take into account where we are or who we are with. Give yourself some credit that you managed to take yourself away from that place, you should be proud of yourself for that.

It is hard when we cannot control where our mind goes. My mind seems to go to those places at the most inconvenient times, especially when I am around my husband. I think it is harder when the person knows your past. It must be hard for you when your mind continues to go to shitty places. I must admit that when you say your brain associates sex with trauma, I couldn't agree more. I think a lot of people would relate to that.

I hope that next time you go out gets a little easier for you.

[saltandpepper]

Ah cheers @Snowie Im sorry this is something you can relate to, but it's good to know someone gets it. I hope your husband is good to you with it all. My ex didn't really get it--maybe I wasn't the best at talking about it all. They tended to take it personally when I couldn't uh, you know. Yeah, I didn't talk about it enough. But it's not an easy thing to talk about hey?

Yeah I used to just become a wreck when I'd go out and drink. Go to that dark place and not be able to pull out of it. I am kinda proud of myself for slapping those thoughts away, it's an improvement for sure. Maybe one day I'll have that self awareness and control when it comes to sex. Can only hope.