Lived Experience Forum

[Shasan]

Hi forum,

Since my last visit to meet family, I've become aware of how's controlling and border line abusive my father and brother are. 

It's very hard to explain like with most experiences involving narcissists. 

All I'm experiencing is seething anger and I don't know what to do. I have excessive ruminations of the verbal abuse my Dad used to hurt my mom with - I don't remember a single day where this didn't happen. He truly chipped away at her self worth. She was amazing, intelligent and spiritual. She later became depressed and schizophrenic - I know it makes no logical sense to blame him for that but somewhere deep down I can't ignore all that I've witnessed as a child growing up in that house hold - he used to name call, control and shut her up. I feel so sad for my mom.

Now my brother is quite similar and he's a even bigger narcissist, even my dad walks on eggshells around him and is constantly anxious about him leaving them. My dad worries about having no one to go to in his old age, and thinks my brother is the help - even though he's not done much or been there for them. 

I feel very used by my dad. He used me for emotional support growing up, he turned me against my mom and anyone he has issues with, so I grew up feeling like I had no one and never loved my mom because of your crap he used to fill my head with. I miss those moments of my life and I don't know how to get over it and stop grieving!

I feel stuck because I feel like I have a mother who truly loves me in her own way, I just made peace with her and want to be there for her. But, I don't feel like going back home to my brother and father - it's extremely traumatizing and I hate them. I feel unstable because I feel like i actually have no family 

I would be better off cutting ties and stopping all contact with family except my mom and never visiting them - they make me feel unwelcome and like I'm not needed. It's so sad and disturbing. I don't know why I expect my dad to know better when I've seen what a monster he can be when people don't do what he asks them to do.

The way he treats me now is the way he used to treat my mom. It's traumatizing and infuriating at the same time. I and so triggered around him and I really don't know what is the next logical step here. I don't know if I can talk to him, he checks out during the phone calls, gives unsolicited advice, doesn't take ownership and just hangs up and leaves.

I'm in so much ongoing stress, pain and unhappiness for the way he's currently treating my mom he's controlling and treats her like she's a captive it's so hurtful!!! She needs all our love to get better now. They won't put her in a hospital either so her condition is not improving.

If I cut all ties with my father and brother because of the trauma they've created for me and my mom, is that irrational? How do I know what's best for me to even start trial and error? I don't want to live in Guilt that I've shunned my aging dad who's 83 and may be in the last few years of his life - but it's unbearable to talk, listen or be around him. 

[hanami]

Hi @Shasan 

Gosh, that's a tough one! What a dilemma. I remember going through something similar with my mum years ago when she was maybe in her 50s. She was causing me so much grief with her controlling nature, I considered just cutting her off completely. In the back of my mind there was always that hope though that if I did do this, she wasn't that old and had many years to try to make amends with me. It never came to that thank goodness. With your dad being at a much older age you're probably thinking that if you do cut him off then that's it. 

I don't think it's irrational to cut people off if they are causing so much pain. But easier said than done when it's too close family members. Much easier if it was a friend. Are you able to talk to a counsellor or psychologist about this. They could help put things in perspective for you and help you make a decision. It's a big decision and I really hope you can find a way to work it out.

Thinking of you

Hanami 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Shasan,

I just finished reading your post - I really feel for you. I can read the pain in your words. Your situation sounds very layered and complex. It sounds like you are unravelling a lifetime of thoughts, feelings and emotions all at once - this must feel very overwhelming and traumatic for you. 

Do you have a counsellor, GP, therapist etc? I think having a professional you could untangle this with over time would probably help you process what is going on. 

It is a weird feeling when (as an adult) you reflect upon your childhood and may see that the narrative that you were given and accepted (as you would, a child only knows what they are told by their parents) isn't your true narrative anymore. As you said it is a grieving process - I would imagine you are grieving what you thought your family was, your relationship with your mum, maybe even you are grieving for your inner child?

At the end of the day the answers you are after can only come from you and what you are okay with. 

I really do wish you all the best and think that with time and professional help you will find the answers you need.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather 

[Shasan]

Thank you @hanami @FloatingFeather 

It's hard to see it at that time, but it's definitely that summary where everything is coming all at once. It's a lot. 

I want to focus on moving on, healing and living the life I've created for myself away and outside of all that childhood mess - but I don't see how i can do that if I'm constantly getting triggered when I speak to my dad. The weird thing is I've been ok with him for all these years - I even used to tell people he's my best friend and he's been so supportive of my dreams and goals and has helped me financially even when I didn't ask or need help. 

That's creating a lot of shame and guilt because now I'm feeling sick of him and I feel like an ungrateful person - but in reality, what's happened is, over the last 2 years I've done so much shadow work, therapy, mindfulness and self awareness, that I can see things more clearly - my perceptions have changed about this person, and may be he has changed over the last couple years too - as he's getting older, he's not the same person anymore. 

The part that I truly can't stand or witness is his abuse towards my helpless mom with a mental health condition - who wouldn't be angered by this?! I've lost all respect for him and it's bringing all the childhood trauma too. I feel I should have taken my mom away from him sooner, but she's never wanted to leave him event when she was earning well - it's the older generation where divorce was still a taboo maybe? I feel sorry that she stayed and that I am not doing anything in making her situation better - I've asked my dad to stop the verbal abuse multiple times, he just says he tries to but my mom's behaviours gets on his nerves and he loses it - he's also extremely anxious about what people will think he's all over the place with his own health but doesn't want to accept help. 

I'm not responsible for her, he is as a husband. But I feel responsibility towards her as someone who's unwell, needs love and safety. 😑😑😑 

It is very layered and complex indeed - remembering my childhood house I feel horrific and chaotic. I can't remember any nice times that I had there, I'm sure there were a few but I don't want to focus on them - is this depression?. I don't know if I need to just focus on my life and ignore this. Or, be involved and feel unwelcome, gaslit, blamed and guilted. 

The answer is very clear, if my mom's health was fine, I wouldn't be in this situation. But it has brought a lot of old things to light.

I also hate the qualities that I have that resemble my dad's - like how I behave when I get angry. Then I feel ashamed of that! It's a never ending cycle.

Yes I have a therapist and I'm taking st John's wort supplements but she just tells me to do what's in my control and do what feels realistic for me - I don't get a lot of advise from her on what I should be doing. 

[justcoz]

Hi

Hugs to you, I was in the same vote , I shifted To be near my Sister who i thought we were close but alas not as close as I thought I put up with it for a few years and then she was nasty to our dad then and there , thats when i decided no more , we havent spoken a word since do I regret the decision I made , no I dont .

We seem to put up with so much from family members because there family but if a friend treated you like that I think that, no we wouldn,t.

Not an easy decicion I know but it is hard trying to navigate life when there is constant negatives in it , I know longer worry if I upset her or hiding that i am anxious or havinng a panic attack. 

[Shasan]

Hi @justcoz 

That's sad to hear that you had to go through with that with your sister - I'm so proud of you for making that courageous decision.

I resonate with the bit where you mentioned that you don't regret. It's the same for me with my brother, only in my case, I finally stood up for myself and he cut off communication with me. The funny thing was I felt calm, no hurt, anger, nothing - it felt like this disconnect was the real thing, what I was holding onto was fake and therefore hard. 

Yes, it's very difficult to build a life if we're dealing with negativity all the time... Only thing that rescues me are boundaries, they're so damn hard but I am still weeding out certain types of ppl and they're repulsed by boundaries - fortunately 😂😛

I'm feeling much better today - because I did exactly that. I went ahead and did what I wanted to do without accommodating toxic people's needs. But it's a long healing journey. 

We have another thread Loving ourselves while healing from relationships - you're welcome to share at any time the old times might come back into your memory or make you feel less ideal than you wish - I'm glad you don't currently need this support 👍

Thank you once again. 

[Shasan]

Hi @hanami @FloatingFeather 

@maddison 

I wanted to share a quick update.

After I shared here on the forum, I had a few moments of peace, calm and clarity - Thank you once again! 

I decided to ignore my dad's irrational fears and do what's right for my mom's health, and what will give me clarity being far away from her. The doctor has been informed and has assured he will educate my brother when he takes my mum to visit.  This is the only thing in my control right now and reminding my mom to visit the doctor asap and take all her meds. 

I also spent a lot of time in nature, grounding and that felt refreshing. I practiced compassion to heal from all the guilt/gaslight comments my dad had made about me wanting to get involved - "you're complicating", "you will cause trouble" etc.. Very difficult when it's your own parent doing this just so they can control you. I am countering this with the affirmation - I'm caring, supportive, authentic, responsible, logical, rational and knowledgeable. 

(Affirmation to my inner child - you're not who they're telling you, you are. No one can tell you how to behave, feel or think. Your needs, thoughts and feelings are valid)

I'm feeling much better, resumed my daily activities after the forum share and spoke to my therapist today, met some friends yesterday. I'm making peace with the current state of affairs with others in my family who are not being helpful. 

I'm not going to contact my Dad unless it's emergency, sometimes my mom's phone is not reachable and I'll have to go through him. I'll discuss her health with the doctor directly and check what her options are. 

I'll try to talk to her everyday and let her know that she's loved. It's ok how she's currently feeling and she will get better if she listens to the doctors. 

I might order noise cancelling headphones so she doesn't have to hear any verbal assaults from my Dad when he gets angry 😞 poor mumma bear. 

Please keep her in your wishes or prayers - I just want her to feel better. 😞 

Thank you. 

[hanami]

Hi @Shasan 

Oh what a wise human you are! Your poor mumma. bear could do with those headphones, what a great idea!

Nature is so so grounding isn't it?! I live close to the ocean and a quick walk down to it always reminds me of how small we are in this world. I look at the waves rolling in and they just ebb and flow no matter what's going on in the world. I also love a good bushwalk but like to take someone with me for that because I get scared I'll get lost (if there is no proper walking track). 

Thank you so much for sharing your update.

Hanami 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Shasan,

Thank you for letting us know how you are getting on. I'm really glad the doctor has been informed and will speak to your brother. Hopefully if the doctor speaks to him he will be more responsive and helpful when it comes to your mum. 

I really agree with you @Shasan - what life has taught me over the years is that at the end of the day the only person I can truly control is myself. I also encourage you to believe in yourself and keep up the positive affirmations. You know who you are, what motives you and what your intentions are - don't let anyone else tell you different. I can tell by what you write that your actions around your mum are based on love and wanting to see here well. You are a good daughter and she is lucky to have you.

Stay strong, keep focused on what is best for both you and your mum. Sending you and your mum hugs and lots of positivity.

Take care,

FloatingFeather