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FayeJH
New Contributor

Caring for a mentally ill friend - advise when it gets too much?

I'm on my way to see a friend of 10 years now. She lives near Gosford and I'm in the city.

It's hard as I have a busy lifestyle and she has no one substantial.

Sometimes it's too much for me and I know this when I think about it for days after talking to her or seeing her.

With COVID, it's seems harder as others distance themselves from supporting her focus on suporting themselves.

I feel the anger and frustration build inside me as she constantly moans and cries about her situation. Whilst friends family member are dying.

How do I not loose my temper ?

How can I empathise still with this while I have lost work. Friends have lost work. 

Any advise or just a chat will help.

I'm a teacher and whilst I feel I have lots of patiece, it's very hard to not loose it.

 

Many thanks

Faye

3 REPLIES 3

Re: Caring for a mentally ill friend - advise when it gets too much?

HI Faye,

 
Perhaps your friend is acting as she always has. Before, when your own situation was calmer and more manageable, you were less bothered by how she acts and what she says. 
 
Could you visit less often? Or for shorter periods of time? To give yourself a break. If it's a choice between 'losing it' and keeping your distance, it's probably best to keep your distance.

Re: Caring for a mentally ill friend - advise when it gets too much?

@FayeJH 

I have found texting, using humour and sending funny pictures / memes with an occasional inspirational one with rare visits to be the best method of communication with acquaintances and friends with MI.  Most of these are people who I would call acquaintances, however they seem to appreciate the messages, even if they do not respond often and view us as proper friends.

 

I will empathise with them, usually with few words but also use the phrase "is that something you could discuss with your therapist?"  If they keep moaning, asking them if there is a particular area where they would like you to provide gentle encouragement might have them more grateful for your friendship (as real friends help each other).

 

Example of brief empathy

Yikes friend, black dog = ☹️☹️☹️

Re: Caring for a mentally ill friend - advise when it gets too much?

images (49).jpeg

Hi @FayeJH  I know it's months since you've posted but i've just found this and would like to reply.

Firstly, as a suffer of MI (really hate labels) I'd like to thank you for bothering with your friend. For years I was so lonely (not realising my depression pushed everyone away), for years - if I had a listening ear I would just pour my heart out, all over the place, because it was just under the surface I guess and builds up, and then after theyd leave, I'd beat  myself  up for  days for talking too much and agonising if or when this person would also leave me, and then I'd beat myself up again...  Its like a reflex, I couldn't stop it, or control it... 

Years later, looking back, I'm thinking what I needed (and since learned to do wasmyself) is to be given opportunities to build different neural pathways, I think, break that very ingrained looping over and over. With seemingly nothing else going on in my world. I needed help to find new things to feel, to do, to talk about... positive things. 

Instead of always SITTING AND TALKING, put  more emphasis on DOING, And something different ./ new. WALK&TALK,  to aplay takena game, share a project, a movie or a cafe or a lookout or walk through a Nursery... Not in a pushy way, just 

gentle 

flexible

ceative

planning

, and maybe a limit on time. 

I have two brothers with psychosis, paranoia, drug  abuse and chronic  financial distress. Every conqctbi have with them exhausts me. I have to block them sometimes for a few weeks, limit conversations but mostly I learned to help them focus on what they have been DOING (as apposed to feeling) and present moment realities (instead of 'what ifs' gossip, aches and pains etc)

Of cause changing the subject can come across rude so it has to come from the heart. The other day my friend here started crying (reliving) a hurtful family conflict from 18months ago. Its the same thing over and over. I gently suggested to her "is it something I said to trigger you're going back there like this?because  I don't think it's good for you to be rehashing all that upset and emotion  on top of all that's needing  your energy lately" (she's changing jobs). Fortunately she agreed, and she calmed down.  I don't think she realised what she was doing to herself (or me) att, untill I said it. 

Don't get me wrong, this woman put up with my crying for years after a major loss, she's the only one who kept visiting religiously every Friday. Everyone else drifted away 😢 left me for dead (expecting I'd take my own life eventually I guess, after 2 parasuicide hospital admissions). 

No, I do do understand and it does  sometimes  cutt both ways in friendship, eventually.

Some personality profiles lack empathy, and as your experiencing, *compassion fatigue comes when your emotionally burned out. 

So, firstly, self care, do things that recharge your sense of self so you have something to give without resenting it. Maybe space out the visits, tell her you're struggling a little with everything going. on and just don't have the energy to travel... Its hard finding something mutually beneficial but I really commend you for not giving up completely. Its ok to put things on hold for a while. XOX

 🔆🌱🔆🌱🔆🌱🔆🌱🔆🌱🔆

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