Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

@Maggie 

No can't use headphones as he was watching it on tv. 
it's off now. We just finished dinner. 
littke A off to bed so tv will be down 

it's just annoying. 

[BlueBay]

@Owlunar @Maggie @Shaz51 @MDT @utopia and others reading this 😊
Today is an ok day. 
little A was awake at 5.30am agsin. She stayed in my bed until 6.30 thdn we got up for breakfast. I was so tired thst when my daughter got up not long after I went back to bed. 
Hubbys st wirk. Older son came home from work this morning. He's asleep now till 5pm.
A has taken herself to bed. 
it's reasonably quiet. Went for a walk with A this mirning. A loves walking and exploring. She says it's an adventure. 
Did two loads of washing and vac the whole house. 
I'm trying to think positive things but it's hard. I'm going to have another sleep. I'm still tired. 

hope you are all ok today. ❤️❤️❤️

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay 

Huffnpuff is working on Good Friday - well - that's good - last night must have been bloody hell with a 2 year old having a tantrum and the load music - I really felt for everyone because at different stages when I shared a house with other people there were times when it was chaos and I know what a kid having a tantrum is like

And I used to feel soooooooooooo - frustrated at my ex-h's helplessness when the tantrums or other crises happened - and they did - children have times when they totally meltdown for whatever reason.

So - I read this earlier - and it was good to read the post that came in while I was having a shower and lunch - thinking about your situation - at least today there are less people about

Well - um - ah  I wonder how Huffnpuff feels with all this happening at home - your kids coming home after you bought a smaller house and little A and COVID-19 - I'm not discounting you - I know how you feel - but what about him?

My guess would be he feels helpless and pushed aside when he was wanting to start empty-nesting - and still the awkwardness of ordinary life goes on and there is no space and like little A he wants his own way and so he maintains his own boundaries with his precious car and his music and his refusal to listen or try and communicate.

Okay - I have that - I might be wrong but it's interesting - how do YOU find out?

I don't think yelling helps because I used to yell. It only released my tension. My ex was lost in his own world of grief - at least I think it was grief because he never told me anything. He was just as stuck as Huffnpuff seems to be.

Lack of communication is really distructive in a marriage - you do need couples' counselling and especially now with everying COVID-19 self-protecting in the same house - and I know he doesn't want to and you feel you don't have the confidence. I think you could learn that with some proper communication help because it's not all your fault - nothing ever is all one person's fault - no - 

I had a long think in the shower and having lunch. I think with all the wisdom I have gathered living alone - yeah - what could I learn being alone? A lot actually because people who live alone have time to consider the past and what went wrong and I really don't know if it will help if you try and talk to Huffnpuff alone - you can try by telling him you want to know how he feels with all that is going on right now going on and what both of you can do about it. Speak quietly. And I know he might just walk out on you. I gotcha. I already know from my own experience that discussing fine points of ordinary life with a statue is fraught with silence and frustration. But try.

When I would find myself at the end of my tether and it was often - I would go to the university and study in the library - and I was always glad when it was Monday and I could go to work. This avenues aren't open to you right now but you do have a car and you do live near the beach so I have suggested this before. Why not get in your car and take your music down to the beach and walk there or if the weather is bitchy just sit in you car and take the time for yourself. There is no need to feel guilty about do this - I doubt you would think I was wrong to get out of the house alone when I could - it's a thing people do - get out of the house. 

I do hear you - this is a really hard time in everyone's life - and knowing the situation to the point of really listening to you - there has to be an end to people taking advantage of the way they treat you, discount you and take you for granted.

How would they feel if you refused to cook? You so some fantastic cooking - I might have been more creative in the past than I am now but I am a plain cook. No doubt with all the noise the kids make when the house is full they are trying to create a quiet space for themself by making noise - and you need that quiet space for yourself too - and you just don't have your own space except in your car - if I were you - I would take that space because you need it

I wish you the best with all of this - the coronavirus will be with us for a while yet

Dec

[BlueBay]

Thsnks agsin for your support @Owlunar 

yes hubby works even on public holidays. 

I had a thought about what you said about hubby. I'm sure thst he's finding it difficult as well. With the death of his mum he has no siblings or parents. But he has us. Im positive he's finding our home situation hard. It would be nice if he could communicate this. But then sgsin I don't either. 
Adding this virus snd isolation does make it more difficult snd challenging. 
I do enjoy cooking but it would be nice if they all helped me. 
I'm definitely going to bring this up with my psychologist but we csnt do it for now as it will be phone consultation. 
I don't know how to start the conversation. Because I know I get emotional and he gets very defensive. When we both saw my psychologist last year he was defensive of me straight away. It was sll the "wrong things" I was doing. And while hearing that I zoned out. 

communication is very important. I feel we haven't had this for a very long time. 

today I went for two walks and did a gym session at home. I feel ok today. 
better go and organise dinner. My daughter is helping me make a tuna casserole. 
littke A has been a really good girl tiday. We gave her a plastic cup with a little paint brush and she's been painting the outside fence. She loves it. Easy simple things kids can enjoy. 

[BlueBay]

@Owlunar @Maggie @Shaz51 and others reading 
Another cold weekend 

another weekend stuck inside with so many people 

rain wind and cold weather is keeping everyone inside 

I'm laying down in bed as I've got abdomen pain sgsin

also stsrted getting pins needles right hand. This is happening daily. 

i feel I need a good cry a big scream and then go away. 
I'm anxious about Tuesday 

first day of wirk and my psych is calling for phone consultation

not looking forward to to it at all

he rubs me up the wrong way and I get so angry emotional and frustrated with him.
dsys like this I just want to curl up and not talk up anyone.  

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay 

Communication is vital for a marriage to be successful - my marriage had it's good moments but in the last few years it was the total lack of emotion my husband show that was destructive - I couldn't stand it. i often wonder about it and think at least his second marriage has lasted longer than ours and maybe he learned something - which would be good.

So - I can see the way things happen - you try and talk to your husband but get emotional and he gets snippy and walks out and that just makes it harder the next time. And when you went to couples' counselling he tried to load it onto you and you zoned out - yes - I think I get the picture but the counsellor would have noticed this - it's a bit like the hole in the bucket song - it goes around and around and nothing is solved

Anyway - after years of an talkative and challenging wife living with an  unresponsive husband I insisted on a separation and he was puzzled that I wanted to end it all when we had a clear title on the house - I had been telling him I wanted a divorce for years and all these years later all I can see is that it was a fruitless exercise - it would never have worked because he didn't want to open up and talk about anything "real" - I would hate this to happen to you because I think your really want it to work and so did I but it takes both partners. We had been through a lot together but not together - I was so lonely - in all these years alone I have never felt as lonely as I did then - 

To me it seems as if you are unbearably lonely in your marriage. I sometimes think that many married couples rub along together after the romance has worn off but then life has challenges that are too hard to managed without really honest commitment to the "better and worse" of marriage then it is just two unhappy people hating what the other person is like - and this is so sad. Sharing a house with someone who is on a totally different life-path is empty - sterile - 

What can you do about it?

I guess the first thing you need to talk about with the counsellor is how to you talk to each other - not having any one blame the other - rather people trying to work out what stops them from talking about the issues and not the topics - [Thanks Dr Phil] - the topícs are just where the toaster should be - I'm still wondering what happened about that toaster things -  the blame game because the topics are nothing to do with the deeper feelings people have - it's  not just the surface clutter of life but the deeper issues - like how both members of the parternership talking about how they feel about emotions - I wonder how many people never get there to that deeper involvement with life because love has fled and they don't want to face it.

It's really hard to face it - I know - I have been there. It's really hard work BlueBay - and not about feeling abandoned and it's your fault. It's no one's fault. Time changes things and your marriage has been tested and you are so lonely - I am sure your husband is too.

It's been really hard to write this post - when I promised I would always tell you the truth it meant I had to do just that - and I have been thinking about this - for well over an hour. It might sound like a strange suggestion but the first thing you or both of you need to discuss is how to talk about what you need to talk about

Maybe your husband doesn't want to change anything because it would be uncomfortable but sheesh - both of you being uncomfortable all the time - that's so sad

It it could be worked out it might mean both of you are happy in the marriage - that could happen

I read and remember your messages - I guess I don't remember all of them but I do get the picture and it is sorrow-filled scenario - I wish better for you

Sending hugs

Dec

[Owlunar]

Oh gee - @BlueBay

Leave my long essay on marriage issues until later

Why not just curl up in your bed and not talk to anyone today - you have a pain in the stomach which sounds like a good excuse to stay in bed. You could have a good cry and maybe that would relieve some of your tension - 

Seeing your psyche does make you tense. I know he is not really sensitive about your psychological state - have you thought why you get angry, emotional and frustrated. Have you told him that? 

It would have harder to deal with that on the phone - I agree with that. I am wondering if you still feel like going to hospital - you are starting at your new job on Tuesday - I guess this is a complicated issue and this is making you a complicated puzzle 

So - have a cry and then work out what you really want to do.

Dealing with the pain in your stomach would be important - 

The weather has been pretty raw up here today too - the sun is out atm but we just had a really heavy storm and it's cold and windy - not the best day in the world 

I went to bed yesterday - I slept for hours - I must have needed it - maybe you need it too

I'll catch up later and hope you feel better if you give yourself a break

Dec

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar 

I had a sleep earlier which was nice. I've even put my pjs on again much to hubby thinking it's dumb. I don't care I'm comfortable and not going anywhere. 
my D and I made a lemon slice for tomorrow. 
Hubby had to go out and I said I'm not cooking dinner. So he rang me from shops and said he'll make hamburgers. Fine by me!!! ✅

[BlueBay]

Hi @Owlunar 

I'm feeling sad about our lack of communication and intimacy. I don't want intimacy if there is no "real communication ". By thst I mean deep emotional communication not just oh the kids or good or shops etc. 

I have a feeling that he feels each time he tries to talk about something I snap back or say how I feel. and then he goes to like it. I feel them that I cant give my opinion. 
We have some wirk to do. This will priority when I speak to my psych snd psychologist. 
not sure how we can do this over the phone. 
I teally don't want to seperate or divorce. I would like to make it work. We'll see. 
it's a hstd topic to approach. I'm scared I'm sad I'm vulnerable. 

see another example just now - he comes bsvk from shops and older son just woke up and said I'm going to the gym meaning the garage. But hubby huffs snd puffs because he washed his car yesterday and he csnt put it out on the driveway. 
im staying out of this one. I think hubby is been ridiculous. It's a car but yo him it's precious. Bloody too precious. 
anyway I want to thank you for your support snd words. 
I'm confused as to what I should do. 

its something I hate to approach but I guess I need to. We need to. 

so now I'm laying here while he makes the hamburgers. I'm not helping. Still got those pains. 

im glad you rested yesterday. Sometimes we need to just stop and rest. 

Something I don't do very often. 
take care Dec ❤️

[BlueBay]

Morning @Owlunar @Maggie @Shaz51 @MDT @Zoe7 @Molliex @Angels333 @Faith-and-Hope snd others reading

Today I'm grateful and sad at the same time. 

with this isolation I'm sad thst I csnt see my parents. I never thought I'd feel like this but I am. And also I feel very sad for them as they are home and no one is visiting them. 

I'm also sad for everyone who can't see their children and grandchildren. I can empathise on how difficult this must be. 

I'm very grateful thst our daughter lives with us at this crazy time. I see littke A daily. Snd tiday I got to spend Easter morning with her. Watching her find all the Easter eggs and the Easter bunny footsteps inside our home. It was a really beautiful morning. I'm forever grateful to be able to share this. 

so many different emotions today. 
I've got lunch ready. Waiting for our son to come home from work. 

Wishing you all a happy Easter filled with love joy and peace. 
❤️🐣❤️