Lived Experience Forum

[CherryBomb]

Ok, so I started a discussion about 9 things not to say to someone with MI - statements that we hear from other people who just don't get it.

But I've recently started to ponder, what about unhelpul things we say to ourselves? Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. It can be so pervasive because in a sense, things that we say to ourselves can be invisible (our internal dialogue) and automatic, which can affect how feel about ourselves and others, and how we behave.

I'm guilty of saying things like:

- "People won't like me or things I do/say"

- "I'm not good enough"

"I'm being unreasonable (particularly when voicing my needs)"

I found this interesting article by Mike Brundrant that list Top 10 negative self-talk statements. Can anyone relate to these? Or perhaps you might have other things that you say to yourself?

For me, my negative self-talk statements create stress and I can feel anxious in social situations. I always have to catch myself, remind myself to practice what I breach. I often ask myself, 'what would I tell my best friend if they said these things', and/or I challenge the truth of what I think.

In this article Jancee Dunn discusses some ways to 'silence your inner critic'. Dunn suggests things like 'give your inner critic a name' and to 'embrace' your imperfections'. What about you? What do you say to your own self-talk? @Alessandra1992 @kristin @Loopy @Rick  @Uggbootdiva @PeppiPatty @Aonaran @SCORPION I understand that you posted in the 9 things not to say to someone with MI. Do you have any thoughts on things not to say to ourselves?

CB

[Rick]

Good evening Cherry

Of course I am perfect in every way and so NEVER indulge in such things................................................

I have some very bad core programming. My formative lessons were painful, confusing,frightening and conflicting. As much as I want to change this programming it is not possible. Believe me I have worked most of my adult life to attain it. But the best advice I have recieved clinically is to try to accept what can't be changed and instead run a parallel program instead.

Sometimes it works, othertimes not so much.

But though deep in my brain I know my self worth to be nought, I try to remind my self of the things that my friends tell me about me.

So I am not a piece of Sh1t!

I am not a burden ( that's a tough one)

I am not an idiot nor am I stupid. ( another toughie)

People would NOT be better off if I was gone. ( I hitting all the triggers here)

I do not have to shut up because my thoughts are not valid. (Ditto)

I am not a worthless coward ( that's a biggie)

I did not deserve to be hurt by that person.......

This is a good sampling of what to say to yourself. You may believe the opposite of it, but it serves you poorly and costs everything.

Have'nt we all paid enough, without jacking up the price?

That's what I tell myself. My parallel programming. It's comparatively new to my operating system and there are some coding issues 

But one must persist or let the b1itch win. 

And I'll do everything I can not to let that happen.

Waddaya think Cherry

That about cover it?

Hope endures( parallel program #2)

Rick

[kristin]

Hey @CherryBomb 

Good threads you start!

My number one thing not to say to myself is "it's all my fault". As you can see my mum did a wonderful job training me to be the family's emotional whipping girl. When I am not in a good space it rears its ugly head and I feel shame and guilt because I have not been perfect. So I then need to remind myself that I am not, nor do I need to be, perfect. Trying to be perfect is unhelpful to my health and to my kids (wrong message!). I need to remind myself that it is ok, even helpful, to make mistakes - that's how we learn. It isn't the end of the world, although sometimes it can feel like it in that space. In this frame of mind it is hardest for me to access the self-compassion I am getting so much better at. Usually when I'm feeling this way I need to grieve, rather than get angry and beat myself up.

Does anyone else find that their emotions/physical sensations are all entangled? @Rick @Aonaran @kenny66 @Alessandra1992 @Loopy @peace 

For as long as I can remember when I get angry I cry with frustration, but when I'm crying with grief I get angry instead. Also I can't tell the difference physically between being hungry and feeling acute anxiety - I can only figure which one it is by elimination: that is asking myself "what time is it?" & "when did I last eat something?" If Ihaven't eaten then I eat and usually it abates, but of course when I'm feeling that way it is harder to eat something. I think it is an internal entanglement from the combination of emotional abuse and physical neglect mum subjected us to. She really had no idea how to even hold a baby (even after "raising" three), let alone look after one.

Kind reagrds,

Krisitn.

[Aonaran]

Heya @CherryBomb,

Great idea for a thread.  I'll be looking forward to reading examples other people are willing to share of themselves, which I find incredibly inspiring and educative, and part of the enormous value I've found in these forums even in just the short time I've been active here.

I wanted to respond in some form, especially since you'd kindly mentioned me.  But what I've learned of my own self-talk is that much of it is fearful, reactive, and not nearly as brave as I'd like it to be.  Most difficult for me is that my experience tells me it's actually true, and I'm frightened of letting go of that.

I'm truly sorry -- I don't at all mean to be a downer, but I don't believe I have anything of value to add to this conversation at the moment.  Sorry.

[SCORPION]

Hi CCherry bomb

I might not say negative things out loud but do think at times why did I survive my accident when others I have known that have not survive lesser crashes. 

Also don't think people are saying nice things about me they keep saying I'm not the same why so quiet you used to be fun to be around but you're dragging the mood down. 

I must be honest I haven't had the courage to tell the people I work with the truth. So than stat to think its my fault and spiral down.

But after reading the posts here and reading others story's think well I'm not going to be what I have become I'm going to work on who I will be better and more compassionate to others that I didn't understand before.

one step one day at a time.

Scorpion

[peace]

I picked the line of the 'internal lie detector' and know I've got one of them. It knows when I say something critical about myself that is not true. Possible thinking I will look into that. Mostly but I come from a place that I feel these negative things. Great artcles. Thanks for sharing.

[Rick]

.Hey Cherry
Rather than entangled I have a limited emotional response. I don't have access to a full suite of emotions.
But I will say that I have entangle responses to emotions.
When people are kind or caring I feel it as a physical and emotional pain. It hurts in my belly mainly.

Rick

[Rick]

Oh Skorpion

It's most impressive to see a person recognise an issue and then decide to work toward addressingit.

Well done you.

This is the reason I believe that

Hope endures

Rick

[kenny66]

Its very difficult not to engage in negative categorisations in view of some of the experiences we have.

For example after years of sexual abuse I do reflect on what I could have done to make myself less of a target, which necessarily swings the pendulum to the negative thoughts side.

Was I gay looking? did I deserve it? Is that just the hand life dealt me? Did I give off the wrong signals? was I a bad person and deserved it? Should I have resisted it more? etc etc. Combine that with physical abuse as well and it gets to be a fairly big hurdle to get over.

So coming at it from the other way with those thoughts running through your mind it can be difficult in dealing with all of the negative aspects of your experience. Sure you can say none of those things applied and there was nothing that would have changed anything but the questions linger. 

Sometimes negative thoughts are  emphasised by common day events. When I am told I am too soft and gentle, does that then confirm my lack of strength in resisting an abuser?

I deal with these and other negativity by trying to live an existence completely devoid of unpleasant thoughts and bad will towards anyone, as far as is humanly possible. I believe if I am a good enough person, negativity wont touch my life.

[CherryBomb]

Wow, so many amazing responses so far. Thanks for sharing! 

For many of us, managing negative self talk can seem like your battling with foe, or even a demon, at times. It's been great reading about how many of us manage these.  

One thing that I realised while reading people's post is that negative self talk seems like a common experience. While we all have different things we say to ourselves, and different ways of managing these, one thing struck a chord with me - it's a pretty human experience. And a very complicated one at that! Our histories, how we feel on a day-to-day basis and our interactions with others, can all feeds negative self talk. 

One thing that I try to remember is just because I think of something, it doesn't mean that it's real. At times, this is easier said than done. Negative self-talk can seem so real because of external factors that seem to validate what I'm thinking, or rather, I look for things to validate my thoughts. It can be hard to know what is real at times, but practicing positive thoughts helps me. 

Looking forward to reading more posts on this.