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exhausted1994
Casual Contributor

The Story Of Me - a cautious, over-empathetic overthinker with an addict personality.

Hey all,

I joined this forum today and I am finding that is helping a bit to get the thoughts in my head out onto the page. Now that I have started writing this I don't know where to start.

I'm 27 years old, and I live in a pretty isolated location in rural NSW, Australia. I have a diagnosis of dysthymia, which frustrates me sometimes because I honestly didn't feel 'good enough' to be diagnosed with depression. Unfortunately, symptoms aren't limited to a diagnosis and I am plagued by lots of fun things that haunt my dreams and make me react to situations from a trauma based standpoint.

Oh yeah, and I like to hit the touchy subjects with sarcasm and bad humour because its easier than showing the true emotion behind it.

I grew in up Sydney in a household that I believed was totally normal until I was around 25 years old (but more on that later). I have suffered from chronic anxiety for as long as I remember - from having to spend an hour in the bathroom at the beginning of every social event at 10 to, at 19, an entire 10 months of every waking moment being a jittery mess with a sick stomach and holding onto sanity with a bottle of Jim Beam. I even had an episode of four months when I moved to a new town and split with my partner where I lost 40kg due to such severe anxiety and marajuana addiction that I couldn't eat or sleep at all.

I was always the chronically uncool kid with the burning desire to fit in, but something always stood in the way of that and I could never work out what. I never had a 'best friend', which was such a big thing being a teenage girl in the 2000s. I was also pretty sheltered by my parents, which I don't really blame them for, but kids are cruel and it didn't do me any favours on the friend making front. I remember a time where MSN messenger was all the rage and if you didn't have it you weren't in... And, you guessed it, I never had it.

As I grew older and hit adulthood, it didn't take me long to reach self sufficiency and start working full time and move out of home. Eighteen and three months to be exact. It was during this time that I discovered my love of alcohol. Here was this magical thing that when I consumed it, I became desirable to both men and new friends, both of which I was into as a young adult. I was still pretty anxious at this point, mixed in with some fairly manic episodes that I still can't really explain. I didn't really understand the world back then, and I began to drink excessively, encouraged by my raging alcoholic housemate and the wide open hole I had recently discovered gaping inside my chest. Unfortunately what I didn't realise at the time was that this hole wasn't going to get smaller by filling it up with the things I kept using - food, alcohol, sex.

 

Over a lot of years I continued to drink heavily, I introduced various different people into my life for short bursts because nobody could be around me for more than six months without my having a violent alcoholic outburst or depressive episode that would drive them away. I had various dysfunctional relationships at this time as well, as I was determined that my purpose in life was to settle down, have a family and live the simple life. Oh, if only I realised that I wasn't built for the simple life. I would be happy for almost a year every time, satisfied that I had found the right match and was on the right track, and then the doubt and anxiety would creep in and it would be like the icy cold hand of dread would wrap around my heart and chest and squeeze until in desperation I would run from the relationship and start again. I did this, rinse and repeat, for about four years (yes, five relationships), until I was twenty-one and realised that I wasn't ever going to be able to commit myself to somebody without that terrible feeling coming back, so I just stayed single for almost five years. 

It was during this five years that I made the decision that I wanted to try every drug once. The hole in my chest had started to distort my thinking into believing that drugs were the solution to my percieved problem. The problem with drugs is that some of them you can't just try once, and there was one in particular that I became hooked onto almost immediately. I spent my entire life savings (I was a really good saver), I barely held onto my job, my house got burnt down and I became a psychotic, reactive nightmare that would manipulate people into doing what I wanted. I had an offsider who I fed drugs to, who stole from me, lied to me and who helped in my downfall into the pit of despair and self hatred that I had managed to avoid for so many years. I was at the lowest of my lows. I did what I needed to for the money to keep using and I didn't care who I hurt in the process.

This period lasted for about twelve months, when I finally built up enough strength to kick the parasite out of my house and quit the drugs cold turkey. I struggled, but it made me take a look at myself and make a change. I went to AOD Counsellors, a psychologist, a doctor, a dietician and a psychologist because I needed help to learn how to live my life again. I got some semblance of a life back together. It wasn't perfect, some weekends I would work 21 hours in a day and attempt to keep it together and still drank a lot in my spare time. 

I grew. I set boundaries, and again I found myself along when the addict friends dropped away. These were soon replaced by new faces, faces that would turn to disgust when they witnessed the monster I became on a night excessively drinking and faces that would then never speak to me again.

I was still sick. I had a job, a house, animals to care for and I thought I was on track. I was twenty-four years old and was coping the only way I knew how. On the outside, I looked happy, healthy and like I had it together in every way. On the inside, I was constantly bubbling with rage, anxiety and low self-esteem and I was drinking wine every night just to quiet the mental turmoil. I attempted to date at this point, and this is the time where I believe that I hurt people the most. I projected every emotion, I was explosively angry and I felt as though the world owed me something for my pain.

One night, someone was dropping me home from a place where I shouldn't have been after a drunken outburst of sadness. I remember standing on the side of the road and thinking "I'm going crazy. I'm going to check myself into the mental hospital or go to rehab. I can't do this anymore.". It just so happened that the AOD counsellor had mentioned a short stay in a drug and alcohol rehabilitation centre about a week before but I wasn't ready to hear it. Well, now I was ready. I called the rehab and by some miracle they had a week available starting the next week. I made my arrangements and went. It was hard at first, I had one day of DT's where I needed help with some medication but other than that, I fit right in and enjoyed attending the group sessions where I learnt to do things like improve self esteem, conflict resolution and anger management. I went to an NA meeting and from there a whole world opened up for me.

Fast forward two years, and I am two years clean from drugs and alcohol. Turns out alcohol was every bit as much of a contributor to my decline as the drugs. I have a good relationship now with a normal human, I have a roof over my head, nutritious food to eat and I am in my final 6 months of a nursing degree. It has always been my dream to help people and now I am finally moving towards achieving it. Some days are rough, and I am still learning about who I am and why I react to things the way I do.

 

For a long time I just did things without thinking, like an out of control train on the tracks - going in the right direction but never braking or stopping to avoid running things over. I wracked my brains over my years in recovery wondering why I act the way I do when I don't have any noticable trauma in my background, but over time it has become clear that I do have trauma, and plenty of it, I just couldn't see it for what it was due to years of repressing and denial. 

Now I see a psychologist every fortnight, I work through my stuff and I feel the feelings that come up from my past as they appear because I had 7 whole years of not feeling a single thing because I would drown it all in substances. I have worked through a twelve step program and paired it with other things such as some aspects of spirituality like meditation and mindfullness, and, when needed, medication. I don't know if I will ever be 'normal'. Maybe I'm not meant for normal, maybe I'm meant for better than normal.

Maybe I'm meant for a level of self reflection and awareness that doesn't need me to be normal anymore. I used to WISH with all my heart that I could be a simple person, live a simple life and never have to worry about all the complex emotions that come with being a little bit intelligent and brought up in an emotionally abusive household (and no I'm not being arrogant, I think that mental health problems do require a level of cognition to occur). Now I wouldn't wish for a simple life because it wasn't what I was born for.

This is my story, I know its a long one but I do hope that it gives some form of hope to someone in this world. It has always helped me to know that I am not alone and the people in my life don't always have the ability to empathise with my experiences.

 

Thanks for reading this long one :).

 

Exhausted1994.

1 REPLY 1

Re: The Story Of Me - a cautious, over-empathetic overthinker with an addict personality.

Hi @exhausted1994 

 

I just wanted to reach out and welcome you to the forums - it’s great to have you here 😊

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us Heart

 

Wow! The way in which you described your life experiences was incredibly powerful and vibrant and I found myself completely captivated and holding onto your every word!

 

Adolescence can be such a tumultuous time in a young person’s life and I could really hear how desperately you needed to feel a sense of connection and belonging with your peers. In my experience, it can be incredibly confusing and painful when despite our best efforts, we’re repeatedly alienated and excluded by those around us.

 

So very sadly, these experiences can inflict some incredibly deep wounds (and although they may not be visible to the naked eye) they still have the power to adversely impact our lives and the relationships that we have with ourselves.  

 

The way in which you described yourself as a young adult was incredibly raw and authentic and as I read this part of your story, I visualised someone riding what sounded like a never ending roller coaster ride of extreme highs and lows.

 

As I continue to read about your experiences, I could really appreciate the role that substances have played in your life and how they provided you with a sense of relief from some incredibly overwhelming emotions and painful experiences Heart

 

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been living with mental health issues for the majority of your life and my heart goes out to you. In my experience living with anxiety can be incredibly exhausting and debilitating and I can really hear the impact that this has had upon your life. 

 

As I continued to read about your experiences of living with mental health issues, I felt my heart sink when you shared ‘I have a diagnosis of dysthymia, which frustrates me sometimes because I honestly didn't feel 'good enough' to be diagnosed with depression’ and as such, I just ever so gently wondered if there was anything in particular that has contributed to you feeling this way?

 

Absolutely! In my experience, although some of the symptoms that we’re living with may not address the diagnostic criteria that’s necessary to receive a formal diagnosis of a particular mental health condition, they can still have a significant impact on our everyday lives.

 

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve experienced so much trauma throughout your life Heart In my experience connecting with the trauma that we’ve experienced can be incredibly challenging and I can really appreciate the courage that it has taken for you to begin to process your experiences Heart

 

Congratulations on achieving sobriety for a period of two years! This is such an incredible achievement and as I listened to this part of your story, I sat here in absolute awe, as I can’t even begin to imagine what it has taken for you to be able to achieve this 😊

 

Wow! Well done on the near completion of your university degree! Before I chose my current career path, I considered pursuing a career in nursing too! As such, I just wondered if there was a particular area that you’re hoping to specialise in after you graduate?

 

Also, just while I remember, one of the things that really helped me when I was new to the forums and still finding my way around, was that if you would like to chat with another forum member, or reply to one of their posts, place @ in front of their username just like I did at the start of my post to you i.e. @exhausted1994 and that way, they will receive a message that you have contacted them 😊

 

Thank you so much again for sharing your story and I have no doubt that the parts of your life that you’ve shared, will provide a light for so many people who are currently attempting to navigate their way through the darkness Heart

 

Please know that you’re always welcome to reach out here whenever you need to Heart

 

I look forward to talking with you again 😊

 

Take care of yourself,

 

ShiningStar Heart

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