Lived Experience Forum

[Maggie]

Thinking of walking baby, but it’s raining and windy, she hates both. @Former-Member 

I have a letter to post, but once the rain eases.

Enjoy your visit with your old friend. Hope your fish dinner goes well, though I don’t doubt your cooking skills. 💚💚💚

[Maggie]

Kettle is boiling @CheerBear. ☕️☕️💙💙

How was your yesterday? How I’d today looking ?

👋👋👋 @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @outlander @Teej @TheVorticon @Gazza75 

[CheerBear]

Morning @Maggie 🙂

Yesterday was pretty dodgy for me. I felt sick and spent the day lying in bed trying to get up. I called a nurse who said to go to the dr because of the procedure I had on Monday but couldn't make it with no-one to have the crew. Then from the moment I picked the kids up they were hideously behaved and I wanted to run away from them all.

Today I have training on the other side of the city. I haven't worked out how I'll get there yet. It goes until late so I've organised for sib to pick them up from school and friend to take them to training. But on the back of yesterday I don't think I can leave them with anyone and I'm not sure if I'm physically up for the trip in and out anyway.

That was a huge vent, sorry.

What colour is your world this morning?

[Maggie]

@CheerBear  What an awful day yesterday was.❣️❣️☹️☹️

How are you feeling now? People don’t seem to understand that you can’t just drop everything, even though you might feel like doing just that.

I understand the wanting to run away. I’m sorry it’s so hard. Kids pick up vibes, so do animals. Little buggers.

You were/are looking forward to today. Where is that wand???

I’m afraid I’m 🖤🖤💔💔 Awful night. Absolutely everything you can imagine I covered, then some.

Lets run away together. 🖤🖤🖤

[CheerBear]

Thanks for listening @Maggie 💜 I'm not feeling great but slept reasonably well so maybe that will help. I have been looking forward to today. It's not the intervention one but another. But right in this moment, as it did in lots of moments last night, it feels too big and hard. It all does. Yes, where is that wand.

I'm sorry you had an awful night 🙁 If you'd like to say more I'm listening and interested, but I get you might not or can't too. Covering everything imaginable says a lot.

I think run away together sounds like a great idea. Where would we go? Space perhaps 😉

[Maggie]

Space sounds good @CheerBear . No cooking, cleaning. Just floating around thin air. 😂😂🚀🚀🛸🛸

Maybe getting out somewhere helps with one thing. @CheerBear  Doing something for yourself. But physical pain isn’t at all ideal. Maybe see how you go once the crew are up and off.

I don’t know what my problem is @CheerBear . Just like you, it’s all too big and hard, and I’m out of trying. I feel like people are blind. They don’t see the effort it takes. Or the pain that keeps weighing everything down. I’m as black as black and over myself.

Years ago I saw a move, I can’t remember the name of it, but one seen has always stuck in my twisted little brain. At midnight, he yells out of the window, “ I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore “. Yep.......that’s me ok. 😂😂😂😂😂

[CheerBear]

Oh @Maggie 🙁

I found this. I'm not sure if it is it but wow. Really wow.

https://youtu.be/rGIY5Vyj4YM

I like "I'm a human being and my life has value".

I love the idea of no cooking and cleaning! That's a huge bonus. And I guess we also wouldn't have really hot humid days to worry about either. Tempting 🤔😂

I'll pick myself up and have a shower and see how I go. Cross my fingers big time that the crew are not as full on this morning. I cant imagine leaving them with someone like this. They're just so full on sometimes.

Something weird happened yesterday. I wanted to reach out about it but felt a bit trapped inside my head. I went funny during an appointment. I was triggered and my brain snapped and fizzed. I lost my words, it felt like I was spinning in my mind. I could see the words I wanted to say but couldn't reach them. I could kind of see myself trying to grab them but I couldn't. It took every speck of concentration to say a very slow "I. Don't. Have. Words". It's the second time it's happened this week. Apparently my eyes glazed over and for around 5 minutes it was mumble and fried head. I'm glad it happened with a MH professional as they can help now they've seen. I can't explain it well otherwise. I was going through a patch of odd head (derealisation psych says) before hospital last year but haven't had it since. Cute the way my brain throws new things when I get something under control 😑

I just wanted to spill that. It feels scary. I feel scared that things always seem precariously close to crumbling down, even when they're OK enough.

I really wish there was a wand. I see you and hear you and know how much effort it takes and how much pain is involved. I get how sucky it is to be and feel like no-one can see it.

I hope there's something in your day that feels better than the 🖤💔

[Maggie]

Oh @CheerBear  That made  me laugh and laugh. 👍👍👍 Thankyou. 🖤🖤🖤

” cute the way my brain throws new things when I get something under control” 

Well said @CheerBear . Dissociation has levels, in my understanding. A protective mechanism, though it doesn’t feel protective at the time.

I’m also glad it happened in the presence of a MH professional.

I understand the scared when you think things are relatively ok ish. I often feel like I find a tiny piece of solid ground, then the bottom falls out from under me. Free fall with a heavy landing, it sucks. 

I hope the shower helps.

I also hope the crew are ok enough today.

I hope there is good in today for you.

Sending lots of ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[outlander]

Sending you both lots of love and hugs. Not many words but listening with open ears @CheerBear @Maggie 💕💕💕
@Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope 🧡🧡

[Maggie]

@outlander  💙💙💙💙