Lived Experience Forum

[LostAngel]

hi Everyone its a long heading and I may make another thread with a different heading as there is alot involved alot of subjects in the head about a few things the main point is that Ive been spending lots of time alone to think and reflect on everything from childhood mind you the need to reflect on chilhood hasnt been to feel sad instead its been to look back on where my life started and how my life started and appreciate where Ive come from in order to be be where I am now to look at how Ive grown up but am still growing up and learning always learning,Ive been more or less trying to accept myself for who Ive been and where Ive come from to where I am and who I am now ,alot of internal emotional learning,as the online dating has unfolded with to be honest quite a few different men one after the other Ive found where the issues stem from and also see where Im learning what areas dor self improovement I think sometimes in order to heal or at least for me it takes alot of thinking and alot of accepting and alone time to process feelings Im figuring out how dating is for me and why it is the way it is for me the pattern of behaviour Ive had towards men and the pattern of behaviour in regards to my my self worth/feeling not enough ect Im learning alot,the good thing is I can be in control of my dating life what my boundaries I have I get to choose instead of just being pleasing to men Im working out what my stance is pardon for being blunt but Im basically learning about my sexuality as a person and how others see me sexually but that I can be in control of my sexuallity and my boundaries my wants and desires which helps empower me to make better dessions in this area of romance as I have a very real fear of men because of past childhood abuse theres some struggles but Im working through those struggles,I think when youve been abused as a child its the lack of control you had over that sexual situation that really scares you not just the abuse thats physical but the emotional scars too of being under the predetors controll and you feeling like you have no choice no control no say in what happens to you its so cruel that people harm children with abuse of power as well as sexual abuse ,its also abuse of trust its betrayal and theres some aspects of that past abuse Ive recognised now that are still causing problems,struggles for me now with relationships,dating and particulary relationships with men I geuss Im saying some of those emotional scars have either followed or stayed with me as an adult Ive learned though that I as the now adult can be in control of sexual or emotional situations with dating men and that recognition helps to empower me as a survivor of child abuse that I dont have to do anything a man wants because he just wants me to no I can take back the power that was taken from me that was taken from my childhood,one lesson is that I feel the safest in relationships when Im able to make my own choices about my desires and feel safer and more in control rather than feeling out of control cause the feeling of not being or not having control sexually is very scarey indeed it doesnt mean I control the other person it just means I can have control of myself and control of the situation just enough so that I can keep boundaries and keep myself safe hope this post makes sense hopefully someone can understand what I mean,this post might be continuos if I need to write more about my experiences,thoughts and learning 

[wellwellwellnez]

That was very well said.