There is no harm done @Former-Member - I figured you were not doing so well and I just so happened to be around - but thank you for the apology - it means a lot 
The true character of a person is shown when they can see that they have done something to upset someone else and can apologise for it - so that shows me YOUR strength of character and you should be proud of this within yourself 
I think like so many of us here @Former-Member that 'other side of the world' is a very dark place to be. I seem to be constantly teetering between sitting on the fence between light and dark and falling towards or in the darkness - and it sucks!
That feeling of 'being back there' is so debilitating - you can't think, you seem to stop feeling yet you feel everything and there seems no path back to the present or reality - I know this place well @Former-Member as it seems do you - I am so sorry you have to know this kind of pain but know I get it and am here for you - to listen, to chat or just to sit with you when you need some company.
Crying does not make you weak Hon - it is your body's way of letting out emotions and that means you are feeling - I did not/could not cry for many years as I was so shutdown emotionally - that is not to say I did not feel things it was just that things would get so hard that my whole body would literally shutdown.
The great thing about you being on the forum @Former-Member is there are so many people who have or are experienceing the same or similar things as you are right now - so you are not alone - financial stress, not working, family, ex's, life - can all get to everyone but throw in a MI as well and life seems unbearable - baby steps @Former-Member - just take each day as it comes and deal with what you need to each day individually - even break your day into manageable blocks of time...
There is absolutely no need to be sorry @Former-Member you were hurting and I understand that 
I think understanding ourselves and being able to help ourselves are 2 very different things. I understand myself and that in-fact often adds to my sadness as so much of who am I has been shaped by trauma. Both the positive and negative characteristics of ME may not be there without what has happened to me - but that also leads me to fighting with my own self and often the negativity wins because that suffering is still so prominent!
I can be triggered by something that seems so innocuous - like birds chirping, a song, a word... nd those things are all around us and it happens so unexpectedly at times. I find my physical reaction to such triggers is what overwhelms me the most - it is something I can't control and not having that control is yet another trigger... too much of my life being 'controlled' by others and what they have done to me!!!!
I am trying to take each day as it comes and in those days hour by hour and minute by minute if need be - this is the only way I have found to stay safe (as safe as possible anyway) and not get too overwhelmed by what 'could come' because if I stay in the mindset of worrying about tomorrow or the next day etc. then it becomes too overwhelming and I just can't cope. Baby steps and in small increments... because that is all I can achieve right now @Former-Member
@Former-MemberI sometimes still feel like a girl and I am quite an old bird! 
My situation is still complicated and far from ideal, but I keep at it. Thanks for caring to ask.
The best tool for me during my worst times was a form of meditation called metta. "Loving-kindness"
As we care for our children we need a little part of our mind/energy to care for ourselves. It was very slow but I learned a lot and it helped me in teaching too.
There is also a parenting thread I think @CheerBear started ... maybe have a look at that.
@Zoe7is right. The capacity to apologise means a lot.
Take care of the part of YOU that is still little or hurt. Be gentler on your expectations of being the perfect mum. Its alright to be a "Good enough" mum.
