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Chris
Senior Contributor

My Goal in Life Was----

To have a family,children and husband and for it to be very different to the way I grew up

.Growing up I lived with fear, fear of so many things,anger rage confrontations,being abused,intruders,fear of failure.I felt unloved and unlovable

Well I left my homeland to start a new life.I soon met someone and we married.Eighteen months later we welcomed a much wanted and loved baby girl.But it was not straight forward. She was born with a congenital defect and was rushed to the city for major surgery.I didn't see her for another week...I felt so guilty, even though Drs kept telling me it was just something that happens from time to time.It was very difficult to bond with her.

Two years later I had a baby boy  was just perfect.Two years later we welcomed another boy, and yes,our third born son came to us.Life was busy and stressful

 mum moved in with us after the death of my father(when our oldest son was two).This complicated everything due to her being so needy and she had other health issues.

As time went on the boys had to go to various therapies,speech,occupational health,just on and on.Two were diagnosed with learning difficulties,so there were ongoing issues throughout there school life. I found it very difficult to relate to the children between the ages of three and twelve, and I guess that's because that was my most difficult period in childhood.

How have they all turned out?My daughter has worked very hard in the hospitality industry.She is currently carer for her ninety two year old grand father(who is very difficult man)She handle him well. She also has a sixteen year old and ten year old. Im  very proud of her.Son number one care for his wife who has severe anxiety and their twelve year old daughter.Son number two,is a b.w truck driver, his long held dream since the age of seven.Son number three works full time even though he could be on the disability pension.He has two little girls.and Im very proud of them.

So did I achieve my goal? I think yes! despite all the hardship,all the times I was away from them in a psychiatric hospital their mentally and physically ill grandma living with us..They have come through it, and I think all of them are more compassionate caring adults because of their childhood experiences.

So if you have young children, and are struggling to cope.take a breath,give them a hug and tell them that you love them. That's what they will remember when grown up.

2 REPLIES 2

Re: My Goal in Life Was----

Oh Chris,

 

you are amazing to me. 

I have a 12yo daughter. she is the first person I ever felt real love for. Until her birth I thought I knew, but I was hoping rather than loving. And then ella was born.

I still remember the very moment it happened.

I felt an explosion of warmth and light in the place where my heart is.

And though now I have no wife because I could not love her in a real way, I have my baby girl.

I have never hurt her which amazes me because they tell us that abused children become abusing parents. 

But i think it was thing love thing that has kept her and I safe.

 

Your story gives me more hope for our future together. 

Your pride in your children is very warming. it's unselfish. 

You obviously did a better job with them than you thought you would.

 

Thank you for sharing that.

 

 

Hope endures

 

Rick

 

Re: My Goal in Life Was----

Rick I have two beliefs regarding children,

1 The greatest gift you can give your children is YOU - your time - really listening to them.

I think that is  what many of us missed out on ourselves as children.

2 You have to let go, in order for them to come back. This is so true in their teenage years.

Some years ago we had a family of willy wagtails in our carport. As they grew they could hardly fit into the nest.One day I noticed one was'nt there. It had flown a short distance away, but mum was watching close by.They gradually flew further away, and mum kept an eye on them. Next thing I know they were gone. Teenage children are like that. They want to spread their wings. Often they return home again for a while then off they go again.Eventually they find a partner in life and have a family of their own.Things change and they start to remember their own childhood experience's, and they begin to understand more of their upbringing.They appreciate what parents did for them. And they make more time in their lives for you. This has been my experience

Awhile ago I was talking to my Psychiatrist, and I said I had just had visitor over the weekend.To which he replied ,You should be a boarding house.(Their is always some coming and going hear despite my anxiety. I told one of my son's what he he said, and he said well at least we care about you! So True.

They know they can always come to me,whenever they need me I will always be there for them what ever their age It takes it toll on me at times, but its something i feel very strongly about, because I never had that growing up.

Another important thing was I felt I had let I  them  very badly growing up because i was in and out of hospital so much. I really felt I had failed them. my Psychiatrist told me to ask them, and that I would be surprised by the answers. He was right. They didn't see it that way They felt they had had a good childhood on the whole, and I was a good mum. So take heart.

 

 

 

 

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