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Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

@greenpea 

Thanks, yes, that's an excellent saying to remember.

If they know they can get away with it, they will!

You take care too!

I love it how you ask Son2 for input!

xx

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

@HoneyOne. I have tried to tag you in a post of mine from last week but I don't think it worked. Search my name or search How was your Weekend? to see a window into my life and also note that things got worse after that, will write more from the pc tomorrow rather than my phone x

 

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

Hi @SJT63,

 

I received the tag and read your beautiful yet hurtful passage.

 

I'm really sorry. 

 

The way you describe the absolute routine-ness of his behaviour is disturbing.

 

As is the way you're unable to express how things are for you. And the fact that he doesn't care. But like you said, you're not alone.

 

One thing I'm looking into with this experience is my abandonment issues.

 

I had a horrible childhood which created abandonment issues that have plagued me my whole life.

 

My three sisters are also greatly affected, but we can't seem to do the healing work together ie I barely hear from them.

 

Some part of me has enjoyed the absolute companionship I get from my partner, but I'm slowly recognising that I'm just a placeholder in our duo. It could be anyone that he's hauling along to do things he wants to do, in the way he wants to do it.

 

You must be a seriously high functioning human, to be able to deal with all that and still maintain a facade to the external world.

 

I hope you manage a decent night's sleep tonight!

xx

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

@HoneyOne  "high functioning human" is possibly one of the most complimentary things anyone has ever said to me. I have theatrical training which helps, I can paint on my "coporate face" and get on with my job - most days, not all. I can adjust the "mum mask" when his boys come over and play that role.

I am very good at drawing a line under a bad experience and moving on. Maybe that is high functioning and maybe it's avoidance, but it works for me. I can let things go and I do it daily with my partner. It is getting to me lately because I used to only have to do it once every few weeks.

He hasn't let anything go for about 30 years and still brings things up that happened decades before I met him. It does hurt when he goes into one of his lows about how he had a lovely house and a lovely family and how much he wishes he could have it all back. He had been divorced for 13 years when I met him and he still has joint custody of the boys. And, just quietly, I run rings around his ex as a homemaker and in my career.

I am an over-achiever with imposter syndrome. Six months after I met him my daughter, who lives in the UK, gleened enough from our limited conversations via whatsapp (she prefers to text not phone), to say "you must have lower self-esteem than I realised if you think what you have with him is a relationship".

I am one of those people who has no excuse for not having an ego the size of Texus, and yet I worry that people won't like me. I have no idea why it's important that they do. I am a people pleaser and an empath.

Abandonment. No one has ever abandoned me and yet I cannot bear the thought of being alone. Not as "high functioning" perhaps? I'm just too insecure NOT to get over things and move on. I am very, very strong but like a reinforced member that won't bend, sometimes I crack under tensile load. Like I did last week.

I can see parallels in the illness between our partners but they employ very different methods of control. I can't remember if I said earlier, that I think they try to control us because their lives are so out of control. He's been ok the last couple of days, but we had a 2am meltdown again today because he woke up with an icecream having melted into his chest. He woke up cold and wet, couldn't find THE t-shirt that he wanted, then he lost his beanie.. went on for about half an hour.. and I knew he wasn't angry with me, just angry, but he can't understand that it is still just as distressing to be woken up from a deep sleep by the lights going on and someone swearing and throwing things even if it's not directed at me.

Journalling has kept me sane; it's interesting that we both do that. I also keep spreadsheets of his moods. I started this over a year ago when we'd had a bad couple of weeks and I needed to reassure myself and found that he was actually himself more than 80% of the time. June, July and August of this year he has barely managed 50% - most likely because he has been so bad during the night.

I call it "himself" because he doesn't have to be happy all the time and he is allowed to be angry or upset by things that happen. The other categories are "sad", "agressive" and "manic" - manic being when he stops sleeping and stays up all night working on the planes or in the garden. Sad is when he stops eating and won't get out of bed and "aggressive" is when he is in meltdown and can't have a conversation - his whole demeanour changes. The last 3 months have been around 30% aggressive whereas it is usually less than 10%.

Numbers reassure me more than words, but I do love words.

I have just found this and downloaded the pdf - not read it yet. https://bipolarcaregivers.org/ It's put out by Melbourne Uni and on first glance looks very helpful.

And I have planned a weekend away this weekend. Did I say? Take off Friday lunchtime, switch off my phone and back Sunday afternoon. ALONE. Just me, my sewing machine and Netflix. I am beyond excited. I have phone session booked for Friday night with one of the counsellors from this site so I'm very glad they helped you, it gives me great optimism.

Talk again soon,
Love S

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

Hi @SJT63 

 

Thank you so much for your message.

 

It's really comforting to have one other person to share this journey with.

 

I too use to be an over-achiever, these days I just feel like my life has fallen apart.

 

My partner was off the radar all day yesterday. He didn't speak to anyone at all. This morning, he's sent a few messages to his mum. He's also extended his stay for a few days at the hotel he checked himself into. 

 

I've not heard from him and I'm still blocked from communication. His mum said he's asked for a few days by himself.

 

I'm pretty sure that when I do speak with him next (if that's directly or not is yet to be seen), he'll tell me the relationship is over, he wants me out of his life.

 

The bickering has gotten so bad over the last few weeks, the fights have become weekly.

 

During our last fight, he said he finally felt relief when I said I would leave and travel interstate back to my home town. He said even the good periods between fights just weren't that good.

 

And you know what, sometimes during the fighting, I got nasty. Really nasty.

 

There's really no excuse for that, when you know the person you're fighting with has MI.

 

In my heart, I wish he could commit to taking his illness more seriously and seeking more support.

 

But I fear and intuit that what he will say is he's tried and it's just too hard. It's easier If we go our separate ways.

 

When he does say that, my instinct is to rally and try to convince him that it's worth another shot. This is tmy fear of abandonment speaking.

 

I know because all my relationships have followed this pattern...my partner pulls away and I try harder.

 

The over-achiever comes from somewhere, right?

 

I need to keep reminding myself that you can't convince someone to love you.

 

I've watched this video byDr Patrick McKeon that has been recommended on this site.

Bipolar - what is it & what to do

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHGf82yy33Q&t=3s

 

It was really helpful!

 

In another video, Dr Patrick McKeon, mentions that infection can also cause manic episodes.

 

Last week my partner came home and said he has 2 infected teeth, one definately needs a root canal and the second one might also.

 

The infection might explain the slowly escalating friction between us because of his elevated mood.

 

My instinct is to book him into the dentist asap to have the infection addressed.

 

Yesterday I booked him in for an appointment with his medicating psychiatrist.

 

Pretty desperate measures to try and repair the relationship.

 

But I'm very sure he's done with us. He told me so a few times before he blocked me.

 

I guess I move on. Worth through my issues of abandonment. Be positive about what the future might bring. Make myself a priority.

 

When he's well, there is no one I'd rather be with.

 

I hope you have an awesome weekend on your own. I'm imagining the serenity now....

 

Thanks again for listening and sharing,

xx

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

@HoneyOne  I'm going to be brutally honest. Out of kindness, not out of hatred. Get the heck out of there and leave this jerk behind you. I've never talked much about what I went through last year. It was horrifically traumatising. I ended up going to court to get a protection order. Actually the police ordered it. 

 

That pathetic excuse of a relationship was beyond toxic. It was abuse. The court ruled it so and not their first restraining order either. My safety was severely compromised. Diagnoses... Bi polar and BPD. Abuse is abuse and the messaging out there that makes excuses for it, keeps people trapped in harmful, toxic and abusive relationships. It will not get better. 

 

I still live in fear and the trauma I went through is not easy to get over. I got a five year restraining order. One day that person is going to harm someone. I'm sorry this is harsh and I'm sorry to the people that have bipolar who are decent people. He can't use his bipolar as any excuse to manipulate you and abuse you. My advice, terminate the relationship, look after your mental health and get out now. Be safe. 

 

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

So things are still escalating.

 

My partner has been in a hotel for a week.

 

The hotel won't give us access to his room.

 

Last night, I asked some of my partner's friends for advice and support.

 

This morning, my partner's mother yells at me for involving them and not telling her I was involving them.

 

I realise she's really hurt and upset by this and she's been living with the situation for 30 years.

 

She doesn't trust anyone.

 

I want to call an ambulance but she says 'no' due to the shame it will bring.

 

Honestly, we my partner is well and it's just us two, there are no problems.

 

Insert Bipolar, it all goes haywire. Add his family and it's a disaster.

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

@HoneyOne  I've tagged you in another post. It would seem we are both at the pointy end. I got thrown out of my own house this morning.

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

@SJT63 I've read your post. Just aweful. Trying to come up with something helpful/positive to write.

 

I was wondering how you went.

 

I'm in a hotel.

 

I'll write more in your post!

 

Stay strong! 
xx

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

@HoneyOne they've taken my post down for being too descriptive.

 

Apparently we aren't allowed to say what is actually happening to us. They sent an example of what I should have said, but I'm afraid "I left for work and he wasn't very happy" does not reflect in any way what went down in my driveway and half past six this morning when I was evicted from my own home.

 

There is no point.

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