08-04-2020 09:18 PM
ISOL8 breaks out
I'm not sure where to start with this.
I've considered writing this story so many times but I always panic and procrastinate, doing anything to avoid puting pen to paper.
First a bit about me. I am 28 going on 29 this friday, since I was young I always had this sense of displacment. As if I were born in the wrong time or the wrong country or maybe I was never meant to exist and my birth was a glitch in the system where I slipped through the cracks and came into being.
My friends always came and went, I don't know anybody that I went to school with. Everyone who I considered a best friend slipped away. At current standing I have three mates I talk to on a regular basis, although only two of those undersand me and the struggles I deal with every day. Even from this group there was times with each one of them where we were barely in contact for months or even years. I'm glad they came back for me though because i'm never the first one to make contact.
Currently i'm working as a mechanic head technician. Managing the offce and workshop when my boss decides to duck out during the day, but according to him i'm worth nothing more than base rates. It shits me to tears and i'm applying for a new job tomorrow because the stress of managing the techs who don't respect me, coupled with the mega anxiety I deal with every time I have to speak to a customer is nowhere near worth the cost of my mental health. I wish i could hook up a heart rate monitor when the phone rings, i've gotten better at it but it still gets me every time.
I generally can't handle talking to strangers and when I left school I struggled to choose a career because alot of jobs are people based and I didn't want to deal with them. Hence I chose to be a mechanic because all I have to do is drive the car, fix the car and someone else deals with all the poeple stuff. I thought that sounded perfect and although I wasn't a natural at it I pushed through and made a respectable tech of myself. My apprenticeship was absolute hell and even into my third year I was doubting if i could do it until I was placed in my dream job at a classic car workshop. Eventually that place closed due to the owner being deceased (he comitted suicide two years before I started work there) and his daughters sold it for the land value. I'll come back to this later, time to return to the early years...
I remember always feeling so out of place when I was young. Something was wrong, it bugged me and I thought as I grew older I would find a solution to what was going on. I identified that I was an overthinker. Above average on all tests, I did well in my early years at school and was able to learn new things quickly. Because of this my parents and teachers never took a second look at how I was coping with life. I befriended the outcasts because they were the only ones who would put up with me. Very book smart, but people stupid. I had terrible social skills and I always derailed conversations.
When I was 13 late one night I began to google 'Why am I so sad' and similar terms. I came across the word depression. At first I kept searching, thinking surely I wasn't that mentally broken. I can't recall any one major incident that could have caused me to feel this way but after searching a while longer I came to terms with it and accepted I must be depressed.
My intial reaction was actually to become ecstatic. YES I know whats going on now. Theres a name for this, it's been studied, there are treatments and cures. I'm a smart kid i'll be able to sort this out in no time.
I was wrong.
Through my teenage years my mind got faster and faster. Racing so quick with so many thoughts I had no capabilities to organise them. Like listening to a dozen songs on full blast it becomes impossible to focus on just one and it became difficult for me to learn anything. Almost as if my brain had filled with information and now it all came pouring out uncontrollably. I could occasionally catch focus and when I did the results were brilliant. But these were rare events.
I always struggled to sleep. Insomnia bit me severely from a young age. Once again I figured out what was happening via my own research and thought one day soon I would find a solution. I thought I had solved it when I was about 15 and I started to drink. Not much at first but the relief was fantastic and I scavenged wherever I could to get my hands on some alcohol. By the time I was 17 I was drinking heavily every weekend and when I was 18 I started smoking weed. Which when combined felt like the answer to all things. If i drank enough and roached up no matter how much my mind raced I could always get to sleep and I believed that could be the answer to all of my problems from there on. I also took up cigarettes shortly before I first tried weed.
As I progressed into my 20's I thought I was doing ok, the people around me seemed to be coping with life the same as I was. This indicated I was on an ok path and everything I was doing seemed rather normal. I got my first girlfriend at 18 and for the first time I felt everything was going well. I went out clubbing a fair bit between 18 and 22. Taking party drugs became another sign that I wasn't so abnormal. The racing mind of a high felt all too familiar to what I was used to when I would try to retire at night without a substance to numb me down.
I have to head out so i'll post this and a little more later tonight. Stay tuned I won't spoil what happens next but we're leading into the part where I induced myself to some of the harshest isolation imaginable.
Also i'm posting this from a good and stable frame of mind. It was a very long journey to get here but i'm finally feeling ok.
08-04-2020 11:05 PM
Re: ISOL8 breaks out
Re-reading I realise I forgot to mention something. In my early teenage years the feelings of being misplaced developed into a suicidal tendancy. Growing from feeling out of touch into feeling like I should just vacate from this world. I was plagued by this and it was only reinforced as I struggled to make meaningful and lasting connections with people.
Around the age of 22 everything seemed good. My partner fell pregnant and I quickly organised a place of our own to raise our new family. I was working on my apprenticeship which was not going well, but I managed to stay employed and fund our life on a shoestring budget. Knowing that by the time I finished and became qualified we would be living comfortably. I had a plan for the next few years all worked out, with a goal to have a deposit for a house before our first child was in school.
After just one year in our home it was decided we should move to a larger house. I couldnt afford it but she decided with her best friend we should all move in together. I opposed but was out voted. I ended up paying for everything. I was financially ruined for the next two years as our relationship deteriorated. We had gotten engaged soon after the move but we grew very much apart.
I got so depressed I wasnt able to function. I would go to work and come home to sit on the couch. I'd stare at the blank TV till someone else turned it on to watch something. Completely disabled within my mind I kept trying to resolve our living situation. Trying to get some stability and get back on track to where we needed to be. Every week my bank account ran to zero. Even on a full wage it was impossible to save anything supporting three adults and a child. Even the best friends boyfriends came in for a free ride. I was crippled and got very suicidal.
Somehow, even though we were barely speaking I managed to get my fiance pregnant again. The stress of expecting a second child was the last straw on my mental state.
I was 25 when the nightmares began. Every night I would have dreams of killing myself. Smoking weed had suppressed my dreams from 18 so to have these vivd visions repeating every night spun me out so hard. I was so tired all the time I was almost unable to speak at all. I couldnt sleep because I knew what I would have to deal with. I started smoking as much weed as I could handle and drinking on work nights. This put more tension on our relationship. I got so bad eventually I begged her to come speak to me. To spend a little time together to talk and get her to understand. She said no. I knew there was nothing left for me there. I finally managed to get the words out 'I think im going to commit suicide' which was returned with 'go do it then'
I decided that was what I would do.
I left her when she was 3 months pregnant, moved in with my sister then by chance one of my friends needed to move house. I moved in with him and after a while the idea of dying eased off. I was still feeling suicidal but i'd dealt with it long before then so it wasn't unusual to have a bit of that sensation lingering. About 3 months after I left the dream job I had found closed its doors. As rumours of the sale floated around the workshop I was offered a job working on a sheep and cattle farm in southeast SA. I considered everything I had been through and knowing that single male farmers in my age group have a high rate of suicide I took the job.
That will do for tonight, it's getting late and this isn't a part of the story I want to rush through.
Take care everybody, i'll be here tomorrow. Much love
09-04-2020 02:43 AM
Re: ISOL8 breaks out
@isoL8 Hey isol8 and welcome to the forums I havent had a good chance to read through the whole of your post as I find it hard to digest large amounts of reading matter but I will over time. I just wanted to say gday and hope to speak with you soon and see you around the forums. greenpea
09-04-2020 02:44 AM - edited 09-04-2020 02:48 AM
Re: ISOL8 breaks out
Wow, @isoL8, so much packed into a young life. Weed does seem to mess with thinking processes and lack of sleep affects everything, especially relationships. Those vivid dreams sound like torture. Any wonder you have suicidal ideation (SI), I struggle with this a lot too - lately I ve evrn pictured myself hanging out ata covid testing clinic and ask ppl to cough on me, stupid hey 🙄
but seriously. Love to hear how the farming worked out for you. I think you might need more support and options than that lifestyle though. Please be kind to yourself 💞
11-04-2020 08:18 PM
Re: ISOL8 breaks out
Hi @isoL8. Thanks for sharing your story. You've been so much in such a short space of time. Did you finding writing it out to be cathartic or painful? Maybe both?