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Re: A long rave

hello @saltandpepper 

soo good to see you here 

@Owlunar@eth@Adge@Mazarita@outlander 

Re: A long rave

Hi @Valentine I have struggled with getting out of the flat a long time. Sometimes I make progress, even exceed all my expectations temporarily. Just as often, probably more often, I fall back into finding it very difficult to engage much with the outside world, except on the internet. So being confined at home is not hugely different to other times in my life. But being required to stay at home makes me want to go out more in a way, and I have gone out a few times to nature places over the past few weeks. Agree though that it's weird that people who stay at home a lot for whatever reason, are in a way better-prepared for what is happening. 

 

@eth from my life over the past year to 18 months, I relate to your mention of hypomania and depression. It seems in retrospect that the whole of my last year was driven by a fair degree of mania. Certainly I lived on way too little sleep pretty much every night for the whole year.

 

It was extreme and obsessive the way I worked so hard on many big and ambitious projects, to the exclusion of almost all else in my life, starting from 1 Jan 2019 to when I got back from o/s just before xmas. It's cost me a lot in physical health. And, as you know, I crashed immediately on my return from travelling.

 

Thing is, I did not feel the manic signs in it at the time. It kind of ramped up slowly from a small project idea I had, and then proceeded to snowball into something far bigger than I could ever have imagined beforehand. The way it took over my life was gradual so that I didn't really notice how extreme I was becoming. Also I wasn't the classic picture of how bipolar highs look. If I'd have the more obvious signs, my insight might have been better. But I know what I take to be insight is sometimes deceptive. Still, what I achieved through it all amazed me, and the experiences I had while touring are memories for a lifetime.

 

It's a peculiar thing, this bipolar, as I experience it. Truth is I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had in manic or hypomanic states. Some of them have been incredible, and I've learned a lot through them, and feel my life as richer for them, despite the imbalances and seemingly inevitable crashes afterwards. 

 

Anyway I've been slowly picking up the crashed pieces of my functioning over the recent few months. I'm feeling not too bad at this point, though I can't do anything quickly or with any kind of pressure, either from myself or other people, and am still dysfunctional to any norms.

 

Like so many of us, I am in some shock at what is happening in the world. What we are all going through seems like such a major shift in everything. I can't see things going 'back to normal' as we once knew it. That's scary because I don't know what the world is going to become as we travel through this huge global event and its aftermath as yet unknown. It's the biggest thing that's ever happened in the world in my 57 year lifetime.

 

But, while fearful, there seems also hopeful possibilities for the world coming out of this eventually, that the changes we see may be for the better in the long run. At least some of them. So I'm scared and hopeful at the same time. 

 

@Exoplanet tagging you in case you'd like to read this dawn rave (from the other side of night of course). As you said in another post, we are lucky in Australia so far. Sure glad I don't live in the USA. Hugs and more love to you. 

 

Hi to everyone else here. Wishing everyone well today.

Re: A long rave

A quick hello @Mazarita  in hopes I haven't missed you.  Will respond in depth shortly.

Re: A long rave

Good morning to all passing here today.  @Adge @outlander @Shaz51 @Owlunar  and welcome to the forums @saltandpepper 

Hope all is peaceful and goes smoothly for everyone here.

Re: A long rave

@eth thanks for the welcome, I’m really glad to be here

Re: A long rave

Dear @Mazarita  looks like I may have missed you after all.  Didn't want to start a long post before waiting a bit to see if you are here.  Responding to your post on the daily challenge thread as well.  

Have you moved to a new flat since you went on your forum-break?  Maybe making your books more accessible could be one of your projects while we are forced to stay at home more.  Tho' I hear you about it not actually changing a lot,  I agree that now we have to stay in the urge to go out is stronger.

Perhaps this period is a chance to really pause and take some deep breaths and take the pressure off in terms of goal-reaching efforts.  There is definitely a time for focus on self-nurturing and taking away anything that brings pressure.  There certainly isn't any need to rush.  When I make lists of what I want to get done it's more so that I don't keep thinking must do this or that, I actually never tick off everything on my list that day.  At the moment my table is covered in post-it notes with tasks, things to remember, important resources, possible writing ideas and competitions now open and books to get, domestic chores to do, recipes, unfinished projects ..........  hope you're having a laugh at this.

Regarding your description of last year and not noticing so much that you were gradually escalating into mania - I certainly didn't notice either and I feel I know you pretty well.  It's a fine line between that and simply getting back into life more and having inspiring projects, which usually feels really good and is good for us.  You commited to your projects and you followed through on them.  That's a huge achievement.  I guess the main sign I hear you describing was how notions of sleep went out the window as you progressed with the big project that (sounds like it) became compelling 24/7.  But I totally agree about not switching the experiences that led to for anything.  I got the impression you were collaborating with people from all over the world, so you would have had to do a lot in different time zones.  We learn so much, meet new people, share what we have to offer (in your case your videos) - and overall, despite the ensuing depression you had, it sounds like you didn't take any outrageous risks or have many obvious negative consequences of the whole adventure.  I'm really happy to hear that you feel like you're in a better place again in some ways since the plummet despite motivation being a challenge.  I guess my main concern for you is the toll you say it took on your physical health.  And it will be a while before the medical world returns to 'normal'.  I really hope you are able to have consults with your dr's by skype or one of the other technologies.  I think you possibly know quite a lot of the things you can do to feel a bit better e.g. diet, sleep, a little exercise - def. no pressure about the ex. bike.  I think you said you now have a standing set-up with your computer - that's a step in the right direction for a start.  I sit on my bum the whole time.  Plus you're going for walks, which is more than I'm getting to do since I still need someone to come with me and bro and sil have been working overtime the last couple of weeks (from home, but it means I only catch glimpses of them most days).  I don't really mean to be comparing what we are doing,  just reinforcing that you are doing what you can for the time being.

I've been having waves of realization, anxiety, what if thinking alternating with a sense of surreality about what's happening in the world at this time.  And occasionally fear of fear itself affecting my mh.   I think most people are.  The difference is that while for a lot of people they've never recognised anxiety/depression etc before and really aren't coping with it compared with we who've spent years developing ways to get through it, learning the baby steps and self-care skills.

I agree that the world will likely look a lot different once all this passes.  I don't think it will ever return to the 'normal' that a lot of people knew.  But I am quietly hopeful that most people will have learned a deeper level of compassion, had a time of personal introspection and pursuing activities they never made time for before.  And one thing I've read is that eco-pollution has already greatly reduced e.g. the air has cleared from smog-ridden parts of Asia/China.   CO levels have fallen all over the world.  

 

Not sure what I will do today - I don't even look at most of my lists some days.  But I have cleaned a door frame and washed the dishes this morning already.  Might do some yard work in a while and get my washing done - but one day merges into another and time feels arbitrary.

 

Thinking of you and sending love;  very much looking forward to another real-time catch up.  Do you want to make a time again?  Daylight saving ended Sunday morning so I think we might be in the same time zone again. xoxo

Re: A long rave

Thank you for tagging me MazyHeart @Mazarita . I love hearing from you, I missed you a great deal whilst you were on your adventure 🙂 I've noticed I'm feeling kind of bored, although I don't go anywhere a great deal, knowing that I can't is affecting me. Perhaps it is the effect of the collective consciousness of everyone around the globe? I think this situation, in it's own way, is uniting the World! We are all facing the same enemy - I don't know that that's ever happened before? We must all work together to defeat it & if that's the first step towards true unity of our Planet, I can't see it as an entirely bad thing. Our world is so segregated that it was going to take something huge to get us all to communicate together. The numbers that have been affected are nowhere near those of wars, but because it isn't a human interference we are all standing together, helping each other, caring. I keep thinking of Star Trek & the federation, where it's not just our world that's united but many worlds, many species, so many differences. I think the hardest thing in unity is that we are all different, we think differently, we feel differently, which leads us to make different decisions, take different actions, have different beliefs, none of which are necessarily wrong. Sorry this is turning into a bit of a rave . . . but then again I'm not so sorry, I don't think my thoughts have been flowing very well, very often, for a while now; it was good to have one travel a little 😉 

Lots of love to you MazyHeart & to all of those who need or want itHeart

Re: A long rave

Hi @Exoplanet   I love the sentiments you expressed in your post.  

Re: A long rave

Hi and good morning @Mazarita @Exoplanet @saltandpepper @Shaz51 @outlander @Adge @Maggie @CheerBear @outlander @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @TAB @Appleblossom @greenpea @nashy @Teej @frog and anyone else around here today.  Saw this and loved it - 

 

Image may contain: plant

 

Love to all of you.  Take care, stay safe, and stay kind xoxo

Re: A long rave

Lovely @eth Hope there is some good in your day too Heart

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