This is a reluctant post, I'm not fully coherent and lack clarity at best. Even though I've been maintaining sobriety through July to this moment. Almost fooled myself into believing I could get by working a job in an effort to keep up with social expectation. Forgot who I was and my needs. No time for grounding practices, got to make the 7 am starts if I've got any chance of keeping a pay check. Avoidant cycles of self destruction until I funked up my life again. totally.
Told my inner child there were other options since losing someone to a self inflicted tragedy at 15yrs. I wonder if anybody knows of their suffering? after years spiralling finally reasoned negative self talk and intrusive thoughts head on, to discover with work a growth mindset and gratitude in the challenges was possible. Until our youngest Brother in siblings numbering 5 voluntarily checked out. Was I now the youngest?
Been living in reactive states of avoidance and dysfunction since. the anger the blame. The inner critic dialogue. the mind gripping at knowledge on the exact moments and ways He'd been down. As it was the nature of prehistoric mental states to freeze emotions that hold mentally jarring experiences so they can be avoided. Years too many to mention lost to survivors guilt expanding on threads of possibilities, what was lost what could have been, if only. and the subsequent tuning out from present life. What it does to you never leaves your body and can't be reasoned. Takes you down when your trying to cope and accept the limited capacity that is now a reality. nothing worse than the daily recollections of potential, deep in the layers of years of debris gathered from retrumatizing and a life cobbled together in an effort to get things to work out. If not for me then someone else, for protection, this can't happen to me again. The worst is when there's no more F's to give after judgement and mockery from those around you. The self proclaiming individualists who got ahead and don't acknowledge others support or suffering. Loss of insight and awareness only strengthens a deluded and elevated self importance.
eventually you end up at a point with the awareness that things won't improve from here on. If I'd known that at the impact of trauma. I doubt I'd have continued to try. The waking and running for a physiological release worked for six months, guess that got me out of the woods for a while.
Now it's back to square one with little to console the state of mind concurrent with surviving sibling suicide. Thought I'd avoid inpatient treatment but had to submit myself to that experience as options are limited, cant say I'm pleased to have a plethora of speculative diagnosis to work through but there's some saying about drs orders that would splice in here. doesn't mittagate the domino effect of grief, loss, confusion. I'm now grieving another life, like each member of my family is grieving their own, lost trying to cope. knowing I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. That's what prevents me from going down that path. Being here for the sake of those that know me and those that no longer known me is the only integrity I have left.
