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[Lilly16]

I’ve had bad trauma all my life. Single last 8 years- suffered mental breakdown & PTSD after. Get depressed now and again. Mood goes up n down. I had a great male friend who we both got very close ( still am) until yesterday I sent a horrible nasty message to him. Was like everything that happened ( like him not coming to see me) I told him he was scared. Things so bad I threw up in his face. I thought I was just sending him a message but after reading last night I realised the horrible things I said. He’s such a loving caring man who adores me- only close friends- but we love each other. No sex involved. I wrote an apology 2am this morning- feeling like crap. He’d replied- Forgave me - everything said- best to stopped our communication. I understand but I can’t live with myself, what I’ve said to.  him. I know I’ve hurt him- ( he’s had a lot of bad trauma from past to him ) He understands me so much- I’m feeling so bad can’t believe what I’ve done. Like past happened. I’ve been in bed last 2 days- hardly anything to eat. It doesn’t seem much but this is a serious issue- now I’ve lost his friendship. We’re close- had 3 months break- nearly killed us. He often goes silent- comes back. Has his own issues- We can’t seem to live without each other. Connection by msg or phone as lives in different states. This has been enough for us for the friendship we have. It’s killing me. 
I had an unhappy childhood been traumatic $ belted by mother. Married 46 years but together over 50years. After we split I looked after him for 6 years with Dementia & Prostate Cancer- now in nursing home in another state. Had traumatic anxiety all my life- Get good been going good 

but this really sucks. It’s been said. It’s done. I’ve apologised- he’s forgiven me. Other times we’ve stopped communicating because of his problems- always had friendship back speaking. Someone said “ Things happen for a reason “ . We were dating before my ex husband when single. When we connected again we had so much in common- our feelings came back . This is worse than being 17 again. Long story. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Lilly16 welcome to the forums

Thank you for sharing here today, it sounds as though the two of you have a long and complex relationship. It can be so hard when we hurt ones that we really care about, even after they forgive us. It sounds as though you've been through many ups and downs together, however, and hopefully you will be able to get through this as well. 

Do you have any other supports who you're able to lean on while you and your friend have a bit of a break from communication?

[MJG017]

Hi @Lilly16. I agree with @Ru-bee, it certainly sounds like you have a very complex relationship with this guy.  I can understand him being upset about your message and I think although he has accepted your apology, he may just need some time to process things.  I would say just try to keep the lines of communication open with him even though he may need a bit of space at the moment.  He may be trying to understand why you wrote the things you did so you probably need to build up that trust with him again and that may take some time and effort.  I think it may require a bit more than an apology, but trying to explain why you wrote it, what state you were in when you did, etc.  Hopefully in the end, he understands and you can both get over this.  Like I said, he may just need a bit of space right now.

[markeric]

I have to say, ashamedly, I did the same thing this week. A past friend, a woman I knew, I'm a man, but friends. She has a particular disorder that makes it incredibly difficult for her in her interpersonal relationships. She bought me right into her world last December. I had known her for 5 months before that as 1 person, then one night, she became a different person. And she never came back to the person I knew, ever. The following 3 months were so traumatic, sometimes incredibly fun, often sad, often mean, ambivalent all over.  the stress just drained me until I was unable to leave my bed for a week. I knew this was all I could do. I didn't know what to say when I was going to leave the friendship. If I tried to recognize her pain, she pushed back with anger, If I said nothing, she would push buttons in me. I had to just go without saying why. This disorder is so difficult. I ran into her last week after 4 months away. She was yelling at me, angry I'd left that way (understandable.) All I could say was "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, but I can't come back." She hacked into me heavily, "You meant nothing to me." "you broke my heart."  and a lot of very cruel things. That night, just wanting all these conflicting felling to end. I wrote a very bad email to her. It was the flip side of a two sided coin of how i actually felt. It was half the truth. As everything was. Everything had a contradictory meaning and message. So, I had to close this as the damned if I do.  She has two letters, one for each side of the coin.  I just couldn't hold her pain inside my heart anymore, after 6 months, when I could never grasp on to it. She was unreachable. This is something she lives with. And I can't do anything about it. Only she can do anything about it when she chooses. My councilor and some other people have been asking me about how I feel after my fathers death. He was an amazing father. I can never answer that. I had a great father as long as I did. But times like this. He was the person who would have listened to me for hours on end, without judgment. He is gone now. Nights like this, we'd be up until 3am talking back and forth. I feel like I've lost my way. I feel he would have filled in all the gaps over the last 6 months. This is the first thing I've said about my father's passing.  With my old friend. I just don't know if anything ever reaches her fully; she escapes reality. Hopefully she understood those 2 contrasting letters as being the same person in me, flawed, kind, not perfect, too empathetic, caring, Strong, weak, passionate,  disappointed, disappointing. Just a person struggling against a disorder that engulfs her and all those around her. I wish her the bast in life.