Setting appropriate goals.

[Former-Member]

Hi everyone,

This is the first discussion I have started here. I am wondering if anyone has any suggestions for going about setting goals. I have never really had anything like a life plan. I will generally have a variety of things that I want to do if the opportunity arises but I am not really good at creating opportunity.

When I undertook CBT a couple of years ago I was encouraged to formulate goals using the SMART criteria. Which means that chosen goals are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and timed. I find the idea of this somewhat inflexible and maybe too much about the destination and not enough about the journey.

I am wondering what others think. Is it necessary to have specific goals? If you set aside one goal because another more attractive prospect comes along is that a sign of lack of committment? 

Any comments will be appreciated.

[Durango]

Hi Carer101,

Thanks for posting this great question. Goals are a very interesting topic. For some people they are seen as essential for progress and for other they are simply more things to add to the 'To Do" list to look back on and feel guilty or like a failure.

Goals really are just a list of things to do and I agree to the extent that it is useful for many situations to have a goal, make a plan, take small steps, get feedback along the way, stay focused and achieve goal. Here is the problem with goals for me. Many people start with a list of goals that are physical or material and this is not really what motivates people, especially in the long term.

I would encourage people to start with asking the question, "What kind of person do I want to be?" When you can answer that question you can then do things that align with who you want to be.

This approach takes the focus away from "look at all the thing I need to do" to "when I do this activity, task, action, I feel like I am being true to my self".

As an example, some people might say "I want to rich". What they might actually want is to have enough money to feel safe, free, loved, important, responsible etc. In this case it would be difficult to follow a plan that makes the person feel like they need to let go of security, spend time away from people they love, give away some freedom for financial gain etc.

So ask your self What/who do I want to be? Then look for opportunities to be that person. You can still use the SMART goals system for getting jobs done but it may be useful to make sure the goals align with who you are.

Hope this is useful for you, keep in touch.

All the best,

Durango.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Durango,

Thanks for your thought provoking reply.

From my experience the question "What kind of a person do I want to be?" is a difficult one. Do you really think we have a choice?

I will reflect on that question a bit.

cheers,

Carer101.

[Durango]

Hi Carer101,

The answer to who we want to be can be as simple as caring, independent, a good friend, healthy and that kind of thing. The fact that you are on the forum and your member name being Carer101 gives me some clues that you may tick the caring box already :-). When I say simple I don't necessarily mean easy, I just think we need to go with our natural style rather than something that is forced.

Take care,

Durango.

[hopeandsupport]

Thank you durango for your reply.  i think your idea 'think of the person you want to be' is a great one.  i think when we as carers set goals we know that they are probably secondary to our primary task as a carer.  in my quiet times i do the things i want to do and work toward an outcome of the project or work that i am doing for myself, but i am realistic and know that my goal will probably be further away than if i wasn't caring for a person with mental illness.  then i tell myself things could be worse.  as long as i have the support of family and friends and my daughter is relatively stable i am happy. 

[Claired]

Just like to add something to the conversation about goals. When D (moderator) suggested goals that help you to become the kind of person you want to become I was reminded of the Humanistic branch of psychology. It is focused on the belief than you would have an innate desire to be your best. It also touches on the ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) persepctive. ACT introduces the concept of "active values" - again this involves reflecting on your values when you set yourself goals. I can see you have values as a carer, the question might be - how can your carer's responsibilities help you formulate goals?

An anecdotal piece of information might be helpful here. I had a limited number of life goals when I was caring for a man with acquired brain injury (and therefore seizures). That role gave me much faith in myslef as a carer, and I now work with people with mental illness in a residential setting. Do you ever consider yourself someone who could become a helping professional ? Any goals like that in the back of your mind?

To sum up, I think you have been given a good load of advice, and if you want any information about ACT, or the Humanistic perspective you could google Russ Harris or Carl Rogers (maybe for some easy UTubes). More about goals can also be learnt from "Positive psychology" - and a tenant of this perspective is than you choose your own goals.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Claired,

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I will have a look at some information on the ACT again. It was something I considered before I did the CBT. 

Being an introvert I am not sure if I would recommend myself as a helping professional.

cheers,

Carer101.

[Claired]

I like ACT, it comes from a cognitive - behaviour perspective. Although you may not have found CBT such a good thing you might find something in ACT that suits you. Be picky - don't choose and ACT strategy that makes you feel uncomfortable, or doesn't validate your feelings. Remember you can tell whats right for you.

A note relevant to the history of ACT

The behaviourists did not accept some of the theories that cognitive psychology did. For example "people have rational minds" The behaviourists prefered to think the workings human mind cannot be studied, and they focused on experiements that examined stimuli and response. So according to them behaviour is a result of environmental stimulus. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Claired,

I did not mean to give the impression that I had not found the CBT to be useful. From what I understand about ACT there are aspects of it which would not have been appropriate considering the situation I was in at the time. The CBT was life changing for me in a positive way.

I guess the SMART criteria is designed to overcome the idea of people not having a rational mind. 

thanks for contributing some more to think about.

cheers,

Carer101.

[Appleblossom]

This is a great thread topic. @Former-Member

I like the way you raise the free choice question. How much choice do we have about the person we are.  I believe we have some choice, but its more limited than we are lead to believe.

I can see you resist some assumptions about how easy it is just to "decide" something or to "commit" to it.

The moderator @Durango insights were terrific. Thanks

I am getting clearer about some goals for me. They are amorphous at the moment because I am entering new territory .. what does being at home mean for me .. then trying to get it to happen.

I used to sag with weariness when my 2 brothers would talk aboutthe  "making a million dollars" dream. They may have been able to refine and develop those childhood dreams if they had a responsible adult to talk to or learn from.

Thanks @Claired your knowledge about recent therapies good to research.

I particularly like the sense that gaining clarity about goals can be a gradual process .. that we can grow into it .. organically .. and not necessarily just make a mental decision. I believe cognitive skill must come after reflection .. that is why wisdom and experience do have value.